I was born mediocre. Raised mediocre. Am mediocre. But I'm afraid of my own mediocrity. I've disillusioned myself into thinking that I am far superior than all those who surround me and that despite my obvious failures, that it wasn't me... it was them. I've had these de facto expectations of what my future would look like and I never once thought to stop and think about the viability of such a future. I expected too much and did too little. And now I'm suffering the consequences. I despise myself for thinking that I was too good to try or that I was beyond effort.
I've realized that all the dreams that I had about going to an Ivy League university with a scholarship were all just fantasies. I didn't do anything to deserve that dream and so it's only natural that I will be left unfulfilled. I'd thought for so long that there was no question that I would have that option and well... I guess I have to reevaluate. No matter what everyone thinks, I am not who I appear to be. I've gotten so good at playacting that no one, not even myself, has bothered to look deeper and realize that I'm not brilliant and that I am not spectacular.
I delivered myself a cold, harsh dose of reality recently and I've reevaluated my goals in life. Hopefully, it doesn't wear off too soon because I don't know if I have the strength to deliver a second dose. It is much easier to deceive yourself than it is to confront the person in the mirror.
