In the Life and Times

It's been a while since I've told a good "In the Life and Times" story, so I thought I'd share one from a few weeks ago. Graduating high school has opened more than just a few doors for me. I closed a chapter on my horrifically, bland life and I allowed myself to experience more. It was my plan to hold off on typical adolescent behavior until I walked out of my high school doors for the last time. So the summer started with a few samplings of get togethers and parties. I regret nothing. I chose to partake in things that some would frown upon even though I was aware of the potential consequences and repercussions. I can't exactly say that the whole ordeal suited me in the end but I'm glad I tried it all out. Any who, after the first few mediocre attempts, I decided that I was done for a while. So most of the summer passed without fulfilling most of the expectations I had for my first time being free of my high school chains. But then I started getting agitated and impatient about leaving for college and perhaps a little nostalgic for the times when my friends had time to hang out instead of working to pay tuition. So when the chance arose to try one more time, I took it.

I'd like to say that I'm a very good judge of my limits and that I'm resistant to peer influence, but I let my guard down this last time. So there was this pretty decent guy at a party at my friend's new place of residence (I don't venture to call it a house) and we got to talking about random shit. All was fine and dandy, but my judgement upon the matter may have been a little impaired for various reasons. Eventually, it was pretty clear what his intentions were and they were honorable to an extent. I had a moment of pure "fuck it, why the hell not?" running through my head and before you know it we're in my friend's bedroom with the light off. Body contact was made to a certain degree and then lead to the step that comes after chess compressions in CPR. I was perfectly okay with how things were going up till this point. (Well, besides the fact that my back pocket kept vibrating because my mother would not stop calling.)  And then he deadpans, "I don't expect sex or anything if you don't want to."

It was like I woke up suddenly from a bad dream. It just clicked that I was making out with a virtual stranger in my friend's bedroom while all my school friends were just outside in the living room. (Oh. Interesting detail. The only other guy I ever kissed was among the people out there.) I booked it the hell out of there after making some vague "I gotta go" noises. Don't get me wrong. The guy was a genuinely nice guy who obviously respected my boundaries and he was actually some major eye candy. I just wasn't about to make seriousness happen with a stranger. Checking my phone after the ordeal, it turns out my damn maternal figure called me about 25 times within the last 30 minutes period so I figure I'm in some deep shit if I don't get my ass home pronto. So I as a friend to drive me home and guess who meets me on the porch? Mother Fucking Goose. Let's say things got a little ugly and leave it at that.

I guess romance is really not written in my cards or stars anywhere because of the lump sum of all my guy experiences, I guess it was evident somewhere on my being that being romanced is not my thing. Just jump right into the hanky panky. That's fine too.

The Persistence of Media Negativity

After being on any form of media for a few minutes, I feel heavy and exhausted. And it isn't because I've become sedentary and dependent on social media or because the screen lighting is straining my vision. It's because there is this constant stream of negativity that cannot be avoided through these media outlets. From cynical and demeaning comments on Youtube videos to rants on social media that has the singular purpose of criticism, the media has become this oppressive source of ill will. What happened to the media that delivered clear information about the world around us? What happened to the media that kept our growing and expanding populace informed us of the change and the progress of our developing world? Why is it that the majority of our media has given way to deconstructive arguing rather than constructive conversation?

There's no other way to put it. It's just a big bummer. The fact that you go online to see a video from an artist that you admire and have to see all the negative comments about how much people dislike such and such for such and such reason. I'm not saying that people aren't allowed to dislike what is out there in the vast and mysterious mediaverse (everyone is entitled to an opinion). But if you're sole intent of posting raging, negative, hateful comments is just to be hateful ... well then, do yourself a favor and go do something else. More often than not these spiteful comments are regarding an issue not even relevant to the media content it is tagged to. People use their ability to comment anonymously as a way to perpetuate bias, prejudice, racism, sexism, homophobia, and many other subdivisions of discrimination. Is it really necessary to point out someone's sexuality as a comment in a music video? What does this accomplish? Is that supposed to be some ill-formed way to diminish the accomplishments of that individual? Because honestly, it just shows how close-minded and prone to hate you are. Instead of trying to commend someone for their accomplishments or their abilities that they show in our media, people are quick to judge and to pin some sort of flaw on what they are seeing. I'm not sure why people insist upon propagating their hate and their negativity on something that they were not obligated to be a part of. No one forced you to watch that video, no one forced to you buy into that form of social media. So why is pushing for negativity preferable to just walking away?

Our media has become cheapened by the fact that technology has made it so easy for anyone and everyone to become a critic and a cynic. There seems to be this unspoken rule that mature individuals become cynical of anything and everything. Caring too much is a sign of weakness, being too passionate is looked down upon. We instead think being jaded and nonchalant about the crucial things in life is somehow more "progressive" and "cool" (though I hate to say so). We see an eccentric and outgoing individual and we label them "weird". We see a male that talks with certain vocal fluctuations and deem them "gay". We see a female that has a crew cut and rocking arm muscles and we call them "butch". Our collective has grabbed on to this habit of identifying differences and using them as an arsenal for perpetuating hatred for one another. Our collective has decided to no longer be accepting of individuals for their differences but rather to shun them because their differences make us uncomfortable. And why is it that we are uncomfortable around things that are different? I blame the media. After seeing all of the images and depictions of individuals who perform under this umbrella of "social acceptability", we forgot that people don't actually live under this oppressive domain. So when seeing someone who colors outside of the metaphorical lines of social mores, our reaction is to reject them.

Media has become this huge machine is self-operating and now the people seem to no longer be able to control what it propagates. We've created a monster. A monster that perpetuates stereotypes, a monster that promotes ill-will amongst people, a monster that does its best to tear down rather than build up individuals. Our standard of beauty has become increasingly discriminative because of the myopic view we have grown accustomed to due to our media. We subscribe to a social construct that has become toxic for both men and women who are forced to feel insufficient in who they are because they do not fit the mold fashioned from stereotypes and sexism. We've become blind to the strings that control our society because we fail to see who and what controls our media. The notion that discrimination is no longer a pressing issue because we've overcome slavery and given rights to certain groups is a lie that our media has been feeding us. Just because we no longer see blatant acts of discrimination does not mean that it has been banished from existence. No, rather it has found more subversive ways to infiltrate our societies and in some ways is more frightening in its seemingly innocuous form than before. Not being able to see it makes it hard for us to register its presence and thus makes us complacent to its hold. And all of this is because our media has become its PR representative and allowed it to hid behind a facade of pleasant advertisements and surface level humor.

I'm not saying that all media is evil and we must dispel all things media. Of course not. Media has and will continue to play a huge role in how our society develops. I don't discredit the good things that do come from some of the media that the people put forth. Positive social messages are out there if you look for them. It's just hard to get there through the muck. The media used to be this force of good that propagated news and information, that used to advance social and political movements, that used to be a platform of conversations between people. And I think we can go back to that. And maybe you think that's overly optimistic or naive of me to say. But I believe in the capacity of human beings for good. I believe in the capacity of knowledge and understanding, of education and tolerance. If we all decide to recognize the negativity of our media and choose to become conscious, educated members to can filter media and become literate in this way, then that's the first step. If we choose to see past the pretty pictures and see the actual messages that are being propagated and we then choose to change the status quo, then I think we're well on our way to a better society.

My Feminist Awakening

I think for the longest time, I chose to disregard the fact that women were indeed less than equal within our society because I wanted to believe otherwise. Not too long ago, I shied away from the label "feminist" because I misunderstood everything that the term implicated. For me, feminists used to be these highly vocal, highly emotional, highly aggressive figures who fought for the "fairer sex" by tearing down those in their way. I thought that they were individuals who subscribed to a cause that had already been fulfilled.

How wrong was I? Very. Being a women in a system that puts on a facade of equality made me truly believe that this status quo was all there was. But reflecting upon all of the negative body image messages I got over the years, upon the brutality against women, the substandard emphasis of the sciences for women in our education system, and on and on, I realized that I had subscribed to a very cleverly disguised rose colored pair of glasses with which I viewed the world. Feminism for me is the activism towards crushing this faulty system of oppression and misogyny that is bred by the hegemonic patriarchy that misrepresents the majority of the human race. Feminism for me is a way to achieve gender equality by bringing women up in society to be alongside men, not to push men down in our efforts to climb up. Feminism is asserting my right to live autonomously without having factors that I had no active choice in determine my quality of life.

So thus the social issues of our time come to mind by extension. People may think that social issues that don't concern us or that aren't directly relate to us are issues that are not our business. Gay rights, racial equality, and many other issues are some that some of the majority marginalize for this very reason. But if we analyze the greater scheme of things and if we decide to really look at the core issues, these marginalized issues have some way of implicating severe consequences in our own lives as well. These issues of gender, sexual orientation, and racial equality all reactions to the social mores that we have contrived from discrimination and prejudice. So thus fighting for these social issues means that you're working to dismantle the status quo of our society that pushes for discrimination. Thus any social issue that pertains to the degradation of other individuals, the conditions which we allow for individuals to live autonomously, is an issue of great importance that deserves to be addressed. We are all working towards bettering the society around us and thus we should all subscribe to a pair of critical thinking glasses with which we can accurately see the strings in our system.

Guilt

Experts say that guilt is the most useless of all human emotions. And a large part of me wants to believe that this is true. I keep finding myself feeling remorse for my fatalistic take on life because compared to the many individuals who live sparse existences, my life cannot possibly that horrible. Compared to the suffering of those who are ill, those who have lost much more than I have, those who's lives go unfulfilled of the most basic amenities, my own suffering seems trite. But a wise person once told me that our suffering is our own and that we have the right to feel pain and grieve for ourselves because pain is pain no matter what. But I can't surpass this feeling that I would lead a selfish existence if I let myself become so myopic in my world view. I want to diminish my own concern for my suffering because I feel obligated or guilt-tripped, you could say, into believing that I must uphold greater suffering of others first.

I had an interesting conversation with an acquaintance where we discussed if our lives are really our own. In the greater scheme of the vast universe, it seems absurd to say that our individual lives amount to any great consequence and thus what we choose to do in our allotted time on this earth is indeed our choice. But a ethical voice inside me says that our existence must amount for more and that in a way, we are all living on borrowed time. Time given to us to do some good, to propagate benevolence. I very much believe that there is no purpose of existence and given our most evident mortality, we derive our own value for our lives. That being said, this affirms the notion that our lives are our own. So why do I innately feel as if I should live my life for others, to alleviate the suffering of others before my own?