I'm feeling melancholic again, world. Just generally depressive without any real trigger. Rather I think it's been a trend in my emotions that have been imperceptibly taking on a negative tangent slope. It's been a series of constant insecurity, guilt, anguish, passivity, anxiety, and loneliness. Anxiety about how much financial burden I'm placing on my family in my international expenditure. Guilt in spending a term abroad when it really doesn't apply to my degree and seems quite frivolous, especially because I'm not enjoying it as I should. Anguish and disappointment at my academic trajectory, which seems at this point to be irreparably damaged. Insecurity regarding where the hell my life is taking me now because all I seem to have are impressive words, empty promises, unsubstantial dreams, and a recurring pattern. Loneliness despite the presence of people, none of whom I really feel like I want to reach out to. There is not a single person in this world that I feel as though I can talk to. I feel as though I am just a body in this world that is lacking a fundamental driving force. All the gears and machinations are at work, but to what they are working towards is beyond me. It all seems quite pointless and I don't want to continue.
Life is nothing but a string of disappointments and I have no motivation to try and struggle and work fruitlessly towards something that inevitably will escape me. Nothing is guaranteed, despite my best efforts. There is nothing I find gratifying anymore and if I honestly have nothing that I am looking forward to down the line, why am I wasting the breath that could serve someone who does? I feel like more and more of me is being chipped away each moment that passes. All that I seem to latch onto ends up crumbling away and I end up in free fall again. No interest, no person, no dream seems enough to keep me level. It's gotten to the point where I cannot express fundamental human functions of empathy and compassion to those closest to me. Even towards a friend who is really struggling with her problems as of now. I can't bring myself to comfort and cajole. It's as though I've forgotten how to. My head is in this perpetual mental state of television static and all that I am inputting from the world is a dial tone.
