I'm feeling melancholic again, world. Just generally depressive without any real trigger. Rather I think it's been a trend in my emotions that have been imperceptibly taking on a negative tangent slope. It's been a series of constant insecurity, guilt, anguish, passivity, anxiety, and loneliness. Anxiety about how much financial burden I'm placing on my family in my international expenditure. Guilt in spending a term abroad when it really doesn't apply to my degree and seems quite frivolous, especially because I'm not enjoying it as I should. Anguish and disappointment at my academic trajectory, which seems at this point to be irreparably damaged. Insecurity regarding where the hell my life is taking me now because all I seem to have are impressive words, empty promises, unsubstantial dreams, and a recurring pattern. Loneliness despite the presence of people, none of whom I really feel like I want to reach out to. There is not a single person in this world that I feel as though I can talk to. I feel as though I am just a body in this world that is lacking a fundamental driving force. All the gears and machinations are at work, but to what they are working towards is beyond me. It all seems quite pointless and I don't want to continue.
Life is nothing but a string of disappointments and I have no motivation to try and struggle and work fruitlessly towards something that inevitably will escape me. Nothing is guaranteed, despite my best efforts. There is nothing I find gratifying anymore and if I honestly have nothing that I am looking forward to down the line, why am I wasting the breath that could serve someone who does? I feel like more and more of me is being chipped away each moment that passes. All that I seem to latch onto ends up crumbling away and I end up in free fall again. No interest, no person, no dream seems enough to keep me level. It's gotten to the point where I cannot express fundamental human functions of empathy and compassion to those closest to me. Even towards a friend who is really struggling with her problems as of now. I can't bring myself to comfort and cajole. It's as though I've forgotten how to. My head is in this perpetual mental state of television static and all that I am inputting from the world is a dial tone.
Hi Chelsea, it seems like you are going through quite a lot! If it's any consolation, the fact that you are feeling something other than contentment is a sign that you--your core being, values & beliefs--are being challenged by the world that you have chosen to walk through everyday; it's a sign that you have chosen to stray from your comfort zone to confront new people, ideas and places. I'm wondering if what you're feeling is your (subconscious) way of adjusting to the world around you? You are deconstructing who you are at your core in order to build yourself back up and thus better meet or adapt to this novelty. The struggles that seem to bring you down now will someday become the very stepping stones that will propel you to a more confident, grounded you. When the dial tone stops -- whenever that may be -- the world better be prepared ;)
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