I finally figure out what it was that I have always been feeling. I feel inadequate as if I need some validation that I'm worth something. Always. Nothing I do feels like its enough or good enough. I feel unwanted and misplaced. I feel lost and blind. I have started to resent myself. What's the point of living when you have no reason? I get the same message everywhere I turn: "You are nothing."
My family, my peers, my society... all of it. I don't belong or need to belong. I'm not unique or special, I know that. Sure, people will sympathetically try to console and say things like "Of course you're worth it!" but really... I know that it's not true. So stop trying to appeal to your humanity and face reality. Not all of us are needed.
Wednesday, March 27, 2013
Tuesday, March 26, 2013
On My Mind
Some of us were born and destined to be great while the rest of us flounder, scared of our normalcy. Not all of us were endowed with the great gifts of our world's heroes and not all of us were granted the roles of outstanding beings. It is only truly valiant and astonishing when one can turn their normalcy into something more through one's own struggles and strives towards becoming the best version of oneself. It's not about leaving behind a legacy that is greater than the stories of the rest but rather to live the tale as the character you wish to be. That is all that I could ever want from life.
Wednesday, March 20, 2013
Reevaluating
So I had the biggest fallout of my life with the single most important person in my life... my mother. I subconsciously already know that she's only trying to do what's best for me and well... sometimes I feel like I want to make my own decisions. But after the whole fiasco, I realized a lot of things.
1) I have the most amazing and supportive friends in the world. After I was "kicked out", I was shocked really to see how much people cared. I really thought that I would have no where to turn to, no place to stay, no shoulder to cry on... but I was proven wrong. And the funniest thing is, the people I've known for years were not actually there for me. All the closest friends that I've made recently or have become close to in the last year were the ones who had my back. And all the people I thought were my friends turned out to not be all that reliable as I thought they would be in my time of need.
When I was deliberating who to tell and who to ask for help there were only a handful of people I realized that I could actually turn to and it was really eye opening. It was like the ultimate test to find out who your real friends would be. The ones that wouldn't judge, the ones that would do their best to help you out, the ones that would help you make the right choice in the end.
It made me realize how important and worthwhile good friends are and I owe so much to them. From my friend who baked me cupcakes, to my friend who is pretty damn good at Modern Warfare, to my friend who taught me to make macaroni and cheese for the first time, to the friend who let me cry over the phone to him for god knows how long... I really do love you guys so very much.
2) Sometimes you'll get so caught up in your emotional response to things that you don't think things through. When I stormed out of the house with my stuff, I didn't even have a plan. No money, no gas, no place to stay... it's a really bad idea. Plus I didn't even stop to think about all the things I did wrong in that situation and I ended up doing and saying things I really regret and I ended up hurting someone I really care about. Even after, I was just so stubborn and scared to admit that I was in the wrong as much as my mother that my pride kept me from reconciling.
I was being a big baby and a terd. I will admit that. I'm just glad that I had people to bring me to my senses.
After everything, things were a lot clearer for me and for the relationships in my life. I realized that sometimes things need to explode to restart, and that's just what my mom and I needed. And thank god things are alright now.
1) I have the most amazing and supportive friends in the world. After I was "kicked out", I was shocked really to see how much people cared. I really thought that I would have no where to turn to, no place to stay, no shoulder to cry on... but I was proven wrong. And the funniest thing is, the people I've known for years were not actually there for me. All the closest friends that I've made recently or have become close to in the last year were the ones who had my back. And all the people I thought were my friends turned out to not be all that reliable as I thought they would be in my time of need.
When I was deliberating who to tell and who to ask for help there were only a handful of people I realized that I could actually turn to and it was really eye opening. It was like the ultimate test to find out who your real friends would be. The ones that wouldn't judge, the ones that would do their best to help you out, the ones that would help you make the right choice in the end.
It made me realize how important and worthwhile good friends are and I owe so much to them. From my friend who baked me cupcakes, to my friend who is pretty damn good at Modern Warfare, to my friend who taught me to make macaroni and cheese for the first time, to the friend who let me cry over the phone to him for god knows how long... I really do love you guys so very much.
2) Sometimes you'll get so caught up in your emotional response to things that you don't think things through. When I stormed out of the house with my stuff, I didn't even have a plan. No money, no gas, no place to stay... it's a really bad idea. Plus I didn't even stop to think about all the things I did wrong in that situation and I ended up doing and saying things I really regret and I ended up hurting someone I really care about. Even after, I was just so stubborn and scared to admit that I was in the wrong as much as my mother that my pride kept me from reconciling.
I was being a big baby and a terd. I will admit that. I'm just glad that I had people to bring me to my senses.
After everything, things were a lot clearer for me and for the relationships in my life. I realized that sometimes things need to explode to restart, and that's just what my mom and I needed. And thank god things are alright now.
Tuesday, March 5, 2013
Comeback
Sorry it's been a while, world. I've been doing a lot of thinking about the usual: life, love, etc. And I've realized that we all live in this world of established systems that we live by without really understanding the reason why they're there. Think about it.
School? A place that all people from the age of 5 to 18 go in order to receive instruction about some area of study in a given place at a given time. Doesn't that sound just odd to you? Why do we even need it? I mean sure... enlightenment. But the reality of it is that no one sees school as a vessel of knowledge. It has become an overused icon that has lost its true value and merit.
Why do we go to college only to find a job to work till we're 50 only to retire? Why is it necessary for us to live our lives like that? Why can't we just see the world the way we want to? Why can't we just experience the entirety of life instead of being bogged down by the trivialities of proper society?
I'm a little skeptical of it all. Maybe we've lost track of what life really is somewhere along this track of evolution and advancement?
School? A place that all people from the age of 5 to 18 go in order to receive instruction about some area of study in a given place at a given time. Doesn't that sound just odd to you? Why do we even need it? I mean sure... enlightenment. But the reality of it is that no one sees school as a vessel of knowledge. It has become an overused icon that has lost its true value and merit.
Why do we go to college only to find a job to work till we're 50 only to retire? Why is it necessary for us to live our lives like that? Why can't we just see the world the way we want to? Why can't we just experience the entirety of life instead of being bogged down by the trivialities of proper society?
I'm a little skeptical of it all. Maybe we've lost track of what life really is somewhere along this track of evolution and advancement?
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