Finding the Beauty of Being Me

So here's the stitch. I am 100% Asian. Yup, a curse and a blessing at the same time. You see white girls have it easy. Their genes do not have a high dominance of the short gene, they actually have developments on their chests, and their hair can do crazy shit. Trust me, I've tried almost everything to do something with my hair. Nope... it just goes right back to being straight as a Republican Catholic. Ultimately what I'm getting at here is that I am pretty self conscious and jelly of them white chicks. But hey, who doesn't feel that way sometimes?

But not only are these girls born with said assets, their lives are also a whole bunch more lax. Yeah, Asians in general have Asian parents, what a concept. But these Asian parents, as by the formal definition of Urban Dictionary, "are people who gave birth to you and fed you so therefore they think they can control you. They play mind games, are passive aggressive, manipulative, and are generally just very negative people. " More follows this definition that specifies the traits that are unique to an Asian parent (anything less that an A+ is failure, they resort to degrading your accomplishments, no allowance, etc.) which turn out to be pretty spot on. Urban Dictionary is a reliable source apparently. So when whities can go smoke "a shitton of pot", drink, party, have sleepovers, have friends, have a social life, etc., we Asians cannot.

Most of us have what I would like to call the product of either genetically modified foods or bestiality: the Tiger Mom (or Dad in order to be PC). So yeah, Asians have hard lives.

But then you get those whiney few (or vast majority) of people who are not Asian who complain over things like "my mom grounded me for drinking her brandy and trying to dilute it with tea, my life sucks." Boohoo go cry me a river. Then proceed to build a bridge. Commence walking towards said bridge and GET OVER IT. There are 3 inherent problems to the priveleged child's mindset. 1) They are never in the wrong. 2) They do stupid things that they think have no consequences. 3) When they are met with said consequences, it is apparently always "unfair."

Now I've had this conversation with people I know and the reponse is generally something along the lines of "why don't you just ignore them?" or "run away" or "jeez, too bad for you." Thanks for the support guys, really.

But you know what? I had an epiphany recently. Who cares if my hair lies flat against my head or if my bra size never surpases the first two letters of the alphabet? Who cares if my parents think that having friends is the equivalent to selling your soul to Satan? Eventually highschool will be over and college will have come and passed and things of real importance will come into light. Trivial things like appearance will become secondary to life.

Or at least I hope that's what happens.

Heartbroken

So to be completely honest, I'm not some cold hearted, soulless, cruel, emotionless rock.
But I wish I could be.

So I confessed my love (like Scarlet confesses to Rhett that she finally realizes she loves him and the end of Gone with the Wind style) a couple weeks into the school year and let's just say it wasn't ideally the best decision of my life (look to last minutes of Gone with the Wind for comparison).

Because this is my blog, I decided that I'm going to purge my guts and get it out of my system cause this "heartbreak" has been on my mind for too long.

Let's just say that this guy (let's call him Guy A) and I got to know each other 2 years ago (at a math competition thing obviously). At first I didn't really know him all that well and we weren't really friends but this summer that kinda changed.

So Guy A has a really close friend (Guy B) who is also super smart and attractive and also did said math competition. I got to be good friends with both of them the beginning of this summer and let's just say summer flings apparently have more value then expected. And two guys in the same summer is illegal by the way... unless you want to be the wishy-washy harlot that likes both (like me).

Here's the catch. Both of them are leaving for college and like a genius I told Guy A that I liked him a month before he left for Washington. I know... I'm brilliant. So that didn't work out.

So that whole dilemma really had be in a shlump but I'm confused because I got friend zoned but we're still talking a whole bunch (like everyday).

That's my story... see I can be a typical highschool girl and find a bit of drama in my life...

Barely Surviving

So you know how people who are old are always like "back in the good old days... blah blah and so on and so forth"? Then those people start to look back and high school and college years with nostalgia and get all teary eyed? Well screw that. I'm pretty freaking sure that I would look back and highschool and shudder. Seriously, not to complain or anything but highschool is and never will be my Age of Purgatory not my Golden Age, thanks IB.

But beyond that... I know its a cliche but highschool will eat you alive, suck your soul out like a dementor and leave you a mindless, soul-less, heartless individual with no life if you're like me.

I envy those girls you know. The ones that don't give a rat's ass if they get a B and have boyfriends and a social life. I would kill to be able to be one of them. But at the same time, I respect and enjoy my deep philosophical mind.

I bit off way more than I can chew this year (as the saying goes) and I am drowning in work. And I guess my inclination to procrastinate doesn't help much either. Another great attribute that I can thank IB for (and heredity).

So for one I'd love to be the easy-going slutty chick who can flirt with whomever whenever or the girl who can actually hang out with other people on weekends instead of being the girl who "studies for the SAT for fun." (which by the way I don't do that.)

FOR ALL YOU PROSPECTIVE HIGHSCHOOLERS,
Don't expect highschool to be all rainbows and butterflies cause it's not. Expect major insomnia and sleep deprivation, unhealthy study habits, and judgements.... lots and lots of judgement.

Harsh dose of reality delivered. You're welcome.

IB Screwed

I'm feeling especially swamped right now thanks to my magnificent skills of procrastination. Add that to the mix of DP in the IB program, you get a whole lot of "fucked up mess." So I'm not the best at staying conscious during a 60 minute thilling lecture about the Americas and revolutionary movements in a dark annex that is perfectly toasty. But hey... I'm not the only one.

So I haven't really done any homework in that class or any of my other classes for that matter and to be completely honest, I don't really have to unless its for points in the gradebook. But test time comes around and I'm the person who stays up all night cramming 3 weeks worth of stuff in the hours before I go to school the next day. And they say I'm an overachiever....

So I'm swamped... and I'm keeping this short. Gotta go study up on caudillos or something.

Awkwardness and Reassessment

So I took my mid-year resolution a bit too far and let's just say I kinda went overboard on the whole find my place deal. So today I was THAT girl... you know the overly bubbly, abnoxious piece of crap that you wish would shut up.... yeah that was me. I butt into way too many conversations for my own good and I tried way to hard to "fit in". Of course this was an epic fail of epic proportions...

But beyond that today we had an out-of-state college fair at school and while people were scrambling to find out what college actually was... I was bored out of my mind. Not to be pretentious or anything but I've been dreaming of college and planning since the end of middle school and beginning of freshman year. So when all of my friends are like, "What's the common app?", I'm already thinking of grad school.

So I think I have it all planned out, from my resume and transcript, to standardized tests, to admissions, to undergrad programs and majors, to internships, and all the way to grad school. But now that I look at it, I feel like I've changed so much since beginning of freshman year and I'm starting to wonder if my "perfect plan" is too restricting. I mean what if I don't get in to my first choice college or get a scholarship? What if I decide that I don't want to major in biomedical engineering? What then?

I never really thought that I would need a backup plan... but now I'm starting to doubt myself. Why have I invested myself in only math and science when I love English and literature so much? Is this really what I want to be studying and doing for the rest of my life?

Feeling Deincentivized

So in previous years, I was really ready to take on the world. I started a whole bunch of stuff that I couldn't really manage. At one point I was balancing 3 hours of daily cancer lab research with at least an hour of violin and orchestra a day, taekwondo four times a week, and countless math and science competitions. Oh and did I mention debate tournaments every Saturday from 6:00 am to 9:00 pm. Yeah it got real. But now it's junior year, the year when everything is supposed to come together for college applications and whatnot .... and I'm just burnt out.

The drive that I had before to do all the stuff now has become a constant force that urges me to fall asleep in my history class everyday and to wait till the very last possible moment (right before class) to do the homework. And I have no idea why I'm like this.

I guess part of it is that my parent's just put so much pressure on me that nothing seems to be worth it. I just shut down.... HARD. That and the fact that nothing I do can satiate my mother seems to be the other half of the problem. I can get second place in a national competition or qualify for a pretty prestigious orchestra and she'll still be breathing down my back about how I didn't get first or how I'm not good enough to sit concert master. So I gave up. Nothing I do will be good enough, so why try was kind of the mentality that I took on.... and is the subconscious mentality that I have right now.

I really try to get excited and motivated but I just can't. I'm constantly tired... of everything and anything and of life in general.

Outlet

So I keep myself busy and I am deemed "the overachiever". Taekwondo, science and math competitions, debate... it goes on and on and on. But I don't know how much of a real tangible attachment I have with any of these "activities." Sure I like meeting new people and having separate groups of the "mathletes" , "science-junkies", and pretentious debaters (whom I actually love and they really aren't all that pretentious). But everything I do seems so disjoint like there's no commonground. I love being able to gush about music with all my orch-dorks and have mental-nirvana when I speculate global issues with my fellow debaters, but there's always a limit.

None of these things really drive me crazy with passion and I'm starting to think that there's something wrong with me. In each of these groupies, all of them geniunely love and would die for the things that they do. But for me, its not much more than a great deal of liking or attachment. I feel like everyone knows what one group they belong to but I don't. I flit around from group to group like a lost bird trying to find its' niche in the great vast world. But I still haven't found the one place I belong and I think that's why I can never really make real friendships.

All of my friends seem like they just enjoy or tolerate my existence but it isn't consequential to them if I fade out of the pictures. I hate to say it but I have no real friends.... or at least that's what it feels like. I don't want to blatantly state it but... I feel like a pariah most of the time I'm in school. People will ask me if I want in on something but I can always tell that they ask out of pity or as an afterthought and they don't really care it I'm there or not.

I was hoping that I could change that this year and make some real connections with people so that I can tell them or show them who I really am... but instead I'm purging my guts to this blog. I guess I'll have to work on my social skills and find a better outlet.

Getting Political

So I was watching the presidential debate last night (which by the way was not as exciting and content filled as you would hope) and following that Facebook just exploded with a whole load of political comments (many sarcastic than not) but I was pretty shocked.

The people that I went to school with were completely ignorant regarding politics. Not to say that I'm more enlightened in any way shape or form, but I know enough and have educated myself enough to know what my political stance is and why. People were saying just the most ridiculous things like, "Oh if one more person mentions politics , I'm going to defriend them" or "Politics are stupid guys , stop voicing your opinions."

Are you kidding  me right now? Seriously, are you that ignorant as to completely disregard the importance of politics in your lives? If was evident to me that people were completely lost in regards to what position they had on any issue at that matter. What irritated me the most were those people who do have a very firm and biased stance that was completely reiterative of their parents opinions. You would think by this point that people would learn to have their own perspectives and would use their minds and analytical skills, look at an issue objectively with the facts, and make a decision. These same kids that can't make their own opinions on their personal social and political beliefs believe that their adults and that they deserve the same rights as adults, when they don't even have the slightest inkling of responsibility or maturity.

It absolutely appalls me to see the ignorance of some people. But even more appalling to me are the people who criticize and have absolutely no idea what they're talking about. I am totally fine with people having differing political views and I don't think that people who oppose me on varying issues are in anyway bad people. But it shocked me to see how many of my friends and aquaintances had such a close minded mentality.

You may think that I am biased myself and I agree. No person is without bias. But at least one should try and understand all the various strand of thought surrounding and issue instead of sticking your head in this box of predisposed ideas. I won't say what my political stance is in order to stay neutral but I will say this. Ignorance is pitiful, don't be that person.

Homecoming

So I gave into the social pressures of homecoming week and also into the strange little girl who likes pretty things that I thought I buried in elementary school and bought tickets to go. Superficiality and capitalism go hand in hand. I bought a dress... actually my mom got really excited that I was being social for once that she bought me two dresses: one racy like every other dress that everyone else wears and one that was reminiscent of a housewife in the sixties so all my friends later told me. I played it safe.

So I went and joined a group of twenty or so girls to get ready before dinner and homecoming. After having hairspray in my sinuses and being primped like a freaking Barbie we left for dinner. Where subsequently I felt out of place.

Homecoming was interesting. I left with some friends but then there was an awkward period of time where all of my friends were grinding with their dates and miscellaneous "Joes". Well let's just say thing escalated quickly and there was more body contact than I could ever possible want in a period of two hours. Seeing highschoolers at prom is like examining wild animals in their native habitat. Strange yet intriguing.

I could feel my mother and God judging me, which is funny since I'm not at all religious.

But if you're listening society... please hear me out when I say... I don't want anything to do with you anymore. Keep your promiscuity.

The Only One

I feel alone a lot of the time. Sure I have a family though my dad is MIA (well kinda) and my friends are nice to have around. But sometimes I'll just sit there listening to all of the words that drop like stones from their mouths, sometimes so dull, insignificant, and superficial.

Everytime I try to open up, I feel like I'm running on a different wavelength from everyone else. I know it's cliche but really its like being on AM when the whole world is running on FM. I'm not a recluse but just hearing about homecoming and dating and football... it just seems so surreal. There are so many things in the world that are occuring at that point. People are dying and being born, people are crying or laughing with joy, but the people around me seem to be oblivious that their lives are so superficial.

Sure I'm probably not one to judge, but I feel lost in this world. Like I know that I want to do something greater but I am just weighed down by all the torrents of judgment and ignorance.

How can you sit there and eat your pizza, laughing about SNL when there are people who fight to the death for a bread crumb and are on the opposite side of the humor surrounding global issues? I feel so useless and it reinforces the mentality that everything that I do is worthless.

I know I can't be the only one who feels like this.

Breakthrough

I'm your average teenage girl... 16, with a license, and a sense of misplaced purpose.
But then again I'm not. I don't want to be the one to complain when there are children in Africa much less fortunate that I and when there are people who are dying everyday.

But this is about me. My discovery of who I am and the struggles that I go through everyday just to find my "identity". And hopefully I'm not the only one with this story...

Where to begin.... I guess the first time I realize that life was not always "roses and daffodils" was when she died three years ago, so the beginning of my eighth grade year. She was only 14 and as bright as any 14 year old can be. I knew her since I was 3 when I first moved to the states and we weren't close but I knew her enough to feel the weight. Sitting in the memorial, I just couldn't stop crying. The ripping of all the seams that held my belief that the young never died just fell apart and left me broken, unable to hold myself upright.

That was my first moment of feeling the harsh reality of the world. Nothing is permanent. Nothing can last... or as the poem says "nothing gold can stay". I started doubting my life, what I was meant for, why I even bothered waking up in the morning when we all are working to our own ends.

I had stopped caring. About anything and about everything. Life has been a whole bunch of motions for me... a marionette doll hanging from the strings of a false reality.

But people don't see this. I put on a fascade , a mask of life, when nothing feels alive to me. I smile and try to keep social. I study without real enlightenment. I breathe without feeling the air fill my lungs. I'm numb. I try to desperately grasp at any strings of emotional attachment to feel like I did before. I thought maybe being in love would make me feel alive again, but all I did was make false connections to people on superficial, surface level attraction. I tried to immerse myself into pounding academics but all I ended up doing was wearing my soul out.

Everything seems fake, false, much like how John Green states " It's a paper world."

But I am going to make it. This is a new beginning. A new start to finding a way to break through the water's surface and breathe again.