Outlet

So I keep myself busy and I am deemed "the overachiever". Taekwondo, science and math competitions, debate... it goes on and on and on. But I don't know how much of a real tangible attachment I have with any of these "activities." Sure I like meeting new people and having separate groups of the "mathletes" , "science-junkies", and pretentious debaters (whom I actually love and they really aren't all that pretentious). But everything I do seems so disjoint like there's no commonground. I love being able to gush about music with all my orch-dorks and have mental-nirvana when I speculate global issues with my fellow debaters, but there's always a limit.

None of these things really drive me crazy with passion and I'm starting to think that there's something wrong with me. In each of these groupies, all of them geniunely love and would die for the things that they do. But for me, its not much more than a great deal of liking or attachment. I feel like everyone knows what one group they belong to but I don't. I flit around from group to group like a lost bird trying to find its' niche in the great vast world. But I still haven't found the one place I belong and I think that's why I can never really make real friendships.

All of my friends seem like they just enjoy or tolerate my existence but it isn't consequential to them if I fade out of the pictures. I hate to say it but I have no real friends.... or at least that's what it feels like. I don't want to blatantly state it but... I feel like a pariah most of the time I'm in school. People will ask me if I want in on something but I can always tell that they ask out of pity or as an afterthought and they don't really care it I'm there or not.

I was hoping that I could change that this year and make some real connections with people so that I can tell them or show them who I really am... but instead I'm purging my guts to this blog. I guess I'll have to work on my social skills and find a better outlet.