Breakthrough

I'm your average teenage girl... 16, with a license, and a sense of misplaced purpose.
But then again I'm not. I don't want to be the one to complain when there are children in Africa much less fortunate that I and when there are people who are dying everyday.

But this is about me. My discovery of who I am and the struggles that I go through everyday just to find my "identity". And hopefully I'm not the only one with this story...

Where to begin.... I guess the first time I realize that life was not always "roses and daffodils" was when she died three years ago, so the beginning of my eighth grade year. She was only 14 and as bright as any 14 year old can be. I knew her since I was 3 when I first moved to the states and we weren't close but I knew her enough to feel the weight. Sitting in the memorial, I just couldn't stop crying. The ripping of all the seams that held my belief that the young never died just fell apart and left me broken, unable to hold myself upright.

That was my first moment of feeling the harsh reality of the world. Nothing is permanent. Nothing can last... or as the poem says "nothing gold can stay". I started doubting my life, what I was meant for, why I even bothered waking up in the morning when we all are working to our own ends.

I had stopped caring. About anything and about everything. Life has been a whole bunch of motions for me... a marionette doll hanging from the strings of a false reality.

But people don't see this. I put on a fascade , a mask of life, when nothing feels alive to me. I smile and try to keep social. I study without real enlightenment. I breathe without feeling the air fill my lungs. I'm numb. I try to desperately grasp at any strings of emotional attachment to feel like I did before. I thought maybe being in love would make me feel alive again, but all I did was make false connections to people on superficial, surface level attraction. I tried to immerse myself into pounding academics but all I ended up doing was wearing my soul out.

Everything seems fake, false, much like how John Green states " It's a paper world."

But I am going to make it. This is a new beginning. A new start to finding a way to break through the water's surface and breathe again.