Reconcile

So let me just clarify. Though it ended badly with a lot of the people I "cared" about... that doesn't mean it stayed in awful situations.

Like for example, this guy in middle school was the biggest terd of all time. And it turned out he had a crush on me in high school later when he was still a terd but then after confrontation, I realized that he just didn't know how to act. Then we got to be really good friends and I tell him everything.

Or birthday-card boy. Sure it didn't work out the way I wanted it too but I still love the kid. He understands me in a way that most people won't and he's supportive and kind. I'm not bitter and I'm actually glad that we ended up as friends in a way.

But there is one relationship I didn't fix. So there's this girlie that I used to do everything with. Literally. Debate, science, math, school, every damn thing. But then jealousy and miscommunication and suspicion got in the way. I haven't said two words to her this entire school year. I just can't get myself to reconciliate and forgive and forget. But part of me is glad I severed the ties because I don't think I was really all that happy being her friend. Someone who hides what they're doing from you just so that they can get ahead, someone who turns her back on you and shuns you out, someone who will use you only to leave you... that's not what a friend is. I'm glad we aren't speaking.

Obtuse

Shoot. I just messed up with a friend of mine who really does mean a lot to me. So recently we've been talking a lot off and on. But I kind of realized that all we talk about is school sometimes. On top of that my other friend told me that this friend didn't even see me as friends and what not and that hurt like hell because I thought we were sort of. Apparently not.

So I spent the whole day raging and then finally I confronted him about it. Turns out I was so wrong. He was just trying to put distance between him and everyone else until he got things figured out and he thought that we understood each other to a level where we couldn't quite put a label on it. That got me thinking and the truth is we talk about so much and he has trusted me with so much of what he hides within himself. I was stupid and blind and hurt that I couldn't see that he wasn't being a jerk but he was being caring.

So I messed up. Now he's probably going to start pulling away and I don't know what to do. I'm an idiot and obviously, I can't read people right. I need to stop ruining relationships with people I care about. This isn't the first and isn't the last. It first started with the guy I met at ARML who I totally screwed up with to my friend who I used to do everything with and now don't even talk to anymore. Why do I let these people slip through my fingers?

Waiting

You know what? I'm tired. Exhausted. Not from school. Not from being busy. But from waiting. I just keep waiting for something to happen.

I stare blankly sending my telepathic messages to him, seeing if he's going to talk to me. But he never does. I'm always waiting for him. Every single damn time and I'm sick of it.

Why am I wasting my time waiting for someone who will never look back at me? Why am I wasting my time hoping that maybe that he'll realize that I actually am right here?

I'm done choosing the guys that have never cared and will never care. I'm just done. He will never see me as anything more than just a sister or friend. He will never see me as anything more than just a cool kid he met in math circle. He will never see me as anything more than that one underclassman.

So that's that. No more waiting. No more being sad that he never will see me differently. No more.

Asphyxiation

I can't breathe. Not literally but figuratively. Mentally. Emotionally. I've realized that up till now that I've lived my life for someone else. Every single moment of my life has been spent fulfilling the expectations of someone else. All this time, I've tried to make excuses to try and justify the things that I do. People always ask me "How have you not died doing all the things that you do?"

I have died and I continue to die. Everyday. Waking up in the same bed, same house. Running the same routine day by day. Listening to the same voice in the back of mind every waking moment, only to return to the same house, the same bed. There's a story of a man who was captured and taken in for questioning on secret intel. They placed brick after brick upon his chest, trying to get him to tell his secrets and eventually the bricks crushed his ribs and he died. That's how I feel. I can go through the motion of inhaling and exhaling but I can never feel the satisfaction of oxygen flowing through my veins. Everyday adds another brick to my chest. I can feel each rib breaking under the pressure. My life blood has disappeared entirely.

I started out loving so many things: violin, math, school, science, debate. But everyone of those things have grown a layer of dust. None of those things are mine anymore. There's this force in my life that constantly breathing down the back of my neck, controlling every aspect of my life. Everything I do, I always think about that voice in the back of my mind before anything else. "Why aren't you practicing violin, do you want to fail your audition?" "Have you studied for Science Bowl yet? You know that colleges look at those things." "You have an A- in spanish? What are you doing, sleeping in class?"

It's always there and I'm always afraid of what it'll say. I never took a second look at art classes or theater because I knew it was out of the question. I never considered for a minute going to a party or sleepover because I know what it'll tell me. I've wanted so much for one thing to be mine or for one moment of my life to be free of that coercive force. But I can't escape it. I know that in 2 years, I'll be out that door and off to college but even then I'm skeptical. Will my life every be mine? How do I know that I'm truly doing what I want to do with my life?

Crazy Stupid Love

So I've had a lot of people ask me "you know, like who have you ever liked?" Well, if I could summarize the extent of that question in a matter of minutes I would. The first guy I can remember liking was I think it was around 4th or 5th grade (not grape fruit juice guy). I took up figure skating sometime in elementary school and I absolutely loved it. Wearing a dress and tights while doing spins and shit on the ice, what 10 year old girl wouldn't? But when I was skating, I got to know this guy whose name I cannot remember whatsoever who also figureskated. Every morning and afternoon that I went skating for practice or for lessons he was always there skating circles around me. That was the first time I realized boys. Then middle school came around and there was cello boy, long-eye lashes boy, had-a-girlfriend-for-a-really-long-time boy, and dork boy in the Raven's hat.

There is a long and painful story behind cello boy. So 7th grade year, I went into the orchestra room and within a matter of days I was designated concertmistress. Well by chance and the regular tradition of orchestra, the person right directly across from me was this brilliant cellist boy. Absolutely brilliant. Over the course of a few weeks, I started doing the whole "looking over my stand while pretending to read the music when in actuality I'm creeping on you" thing. I got caught too many times. It might have just been me but I'm pretty sure he liked me back. But after a while all my friends caught on and this is when it starts getting good. So we both were in the same science class and my friend "S" decided to pester this boy to see if he like me. Ultimately she ended up asking him out for me, or so I think. Then it was super awkward. He made me a hedgehog out of cheese wax. I freaked. Cello boy happened to be really quiet just in general but I thought that he wouldn't talk to me cause he hated me and then I complained to one of my guy friends. And then that guy friend decided to tell cello boy that I hated him. Then he just wouldn't look at me. Then I used my school email to tell him that we should just be friends. And that was the end.

But the thing is, I'm not sure if all of that really did happen. I think I just got so obsessed with him that part of me thinks that I lived an alternate reality so half of the things I "know" happened didn't. I recently got to see him at some orchestra festivals and apparently it never happened. He could be lying or I could need a therapist.

This is not including momentary insanity when I was obsessed with a certain fictional male leech that has been popularized recently by a series of books and movies that are referred to by a time of night. Or all the celebrity crushes or The Teacher crush.

Then in high school, I just couldn't focus on a specific guy. Beginning of freshman year, there was this one kid that I can't really describe except as that like roses. That's a pun by the way, if you don't get it. But anyways, I was completely and utterly infatuated. If I think about how stupidly I acted, I want to shoot myself in the foot. For his birthday I wrote him this super long lengthy card (handmade, mind you) and I handmade him this phone chain. I think he put it on his phone for like a week before he took it off. Said that it got in the way. Ouch. Long story short, he thought I was a freak and he liked my friend instead. Ouch. Recently I learned that he kept the card but he didn't remember that the phone chain was from me. Ouch.

Then there was super-nerd-guy-who-went-to-Princeton, super-nerd-guy-who-went-to-Cornell, jerk-guy-who-now-is-one-of-my-best-friends, guy-who-does-math-in-lasvegas, guy-who-drives-me-insane-and-plays-hockey, guy-who-is-too-smart-to-give-a-shit, and now bio-junkie-guy-who-makes-me-smile.

I've come to the realization. I've confused friendship and connection with an entirely different emotion all together. I mean now that I look back, I never really liked all of these children. I just felt like I admired certain qualities of these people and I mistook infatuation and admiration for some false sense of love. Trust me. I'm done for now. I don't want to be a cynic about anything in life but this can be the exception.

Bad Judgement Calls

So recently and not so recently, I've made some really bad choices. Just choices that are plain dumb. Stupid. Idiotic. Yesterday, I was on my way back home from school and I was a little bit in a rush. Don't ask why. It's a female process thing. So like anyone who's in a hurry I broke the speed limit.

Usually I'm okay going like 20 over but the damn cops had to set up a speed camera car on the side of the road and I got clocked going 15 over on a 35 mile road. But that's not the worst of my driving "incidents". One time I got stuck at a red light which I knew lasted for a bit, so I stopped and I decided to close my eyes for a bit cause I was sleepy. Well the next thing you know I feel my car bump into the car in front of me. It wasn't a full on rear-end, it was more of a love pat. No harm done but the worst thing is, is that the driver got out of the car and it turned out to be my next door neighbor who is also the father of one of my school friends. He didn't press charges or anything. I got off easy.

Oh and today. One of my good friends had a whole butt load of matches left over from a project that she was doing and was giving them away. Well, there were a couple on the desk and I pulled one out and started to fiddle with it. The next thing you know, its on fire and I'm staring at it like I don't know what happened. I just happened like I wasn't even thinking about it. It was as if I didn't know that if I flicked my wrist that the match would light on fire. Logic out the window. I blew it out quickly but not quick enough. It was right in the middle of a lecture and the teacher flipped her shit. She confiscated the matches and I appologized profusely to both my friend and the teacher. At the end of class, the teacher asks to see both of us at her desk and the whole time I'm thinking "Oh shit. I'm screwed. She's going to tell the deans. I am going to be suspended for misdemeanor. Oh shit. My mom's going to kill me." Well, I got off easy again.

I just make really crappy decisions all the time. One of these days I'm going to get my ass handed to me. Hard. 

Recidivism

As Wikipedia defines it, recidivism is the act of a person repeating an undesirable behavior after they have either experienced negative consequences of that behavior, or have been treated or trained to extinguish that behavior. Unfortunately that's me right now. All of my effort to change and to act more motivated and to be a better person, well I'm back in square 1. It's like I've been doing the mile trying to get to the next vantage point and I've just realized that I'm running on a treadmill. I've made a little progress doing some assignments ahead of time and trying to be less critical of people but it's just so hard. They say that the greatest test of your strength is to defeat yourself. But everytime I've tried, I've failed. When my alarm goes off, I succumb to the darkest attractions of lethargy and laziness. Whenever I have the chance to start a project early, the demons of procrastination come out to play. Whenever I try to act nice to someone, the evil bitch takes over.

There are so many people and things that test my patience and my inner strength. Right now, my mother has a friend from Korea living with us for 2 months with her kid and her kid's friend so that they can learn English while going to school in the States. The worst part is that they're both in 5th grade, the same grade that my devil brother is in.

Don't get me wrong, I love my brother though I try not to show it. But when he's with his friends, well that's a whole different story. The friend of the kid that came just drives me absolutely nuts. I have no idea what it is, he just does. He's a complete stranger and he's living in my house, eating at my dinner table, peeing in my bathroom. And I absolutely despise him. I know that I've resolved to not hate or despise anything but I just can't help it. When he chews, he makes the most disgusting noises. When he talks, his tone of voice is so irritating and the things he says are aggravating. When he sits on my couch doing nothing, it makes me batty. I've tried to reason through it but there's no rational explanation to my hate.

The more I thought about it, the more I drew parallels to a situation before. When I was in the 6th grade I believe, my cousin came to live with us permanently. His mom and dad, my aunt and uncle, passed away in a horrific and tragic car accident and he was the only survivor. He had lived with his grandmother for a while before coming to our door. At first I tried to be absolutely nice to the kid out of pity. But eventually I just couldn't take it. I had the exact same feelings of irrational hate that I have for the kid I wrote about before. I couldn't shake it.

Now here comes the bad part. At that age, I was a hateful child. Mean and a bully. So I acted on my irrational hate. I would hide his homework folder so that he would scramble to find it in the mornings and get harshly scolded by my mother. He would snore, so while he was sleeping I would pinch his nose until he started to breathe out of his mouth. I would only share things with my brother and show favoritism. I made life hell for the kid but the worst thing that I did was make my mother despise him as well. So after several months, he left to be with his grandmother again.

I still to this day feel so guilty about what I did. The poor kid did nothing wrong and I made his life so much worse than it already was. The poor kid never really knew a mother's love which he could have had. A couple years later, I was looking for an extra folder for school and I found an odd, old one. I opened it up and it had pages and pages of legal documents for adoption. My mother was originally going to adopt my cousin. That hit hard. I feel so ashamed of myself and I haven't told my mother about what I did but I have a feeling she already knows. I'm so sorry to him. I will never forget what I did to him, ever.

This is what people mean when they say that hate causes misery. I'm trying to change, I really am.

The Invaluable People

I've tried so hard to branch out this year and to get to know people out of my comfort zone. Outside of my little sheltered box of IB and familiarity. I've made so many acquaintances and friends that I really feel as if I've learned more about people and I appreciate all the eye opening experiences this has lead me to.

This year, I'm taking a combined IB and AP class. There were those usual faces that I saw everyday in all my other classes but I actually got to meet two of the most amazing people that have now become invaluable to my life. The most suprising thing is that we could not be more different yet similar. Both of them are extremely religious and conservative, two aspects of individuals that I always tried to avoid. But upon getting to know them, I've realized that they had taught me so much. It doesn't matter that we won't agree on anything politically or religiously. That is completely extraneous to the nature of friendship. They are good people and just because their views are different from mine does not change a single thing. They have been so supportive and open, I'm so glad I have them in my life.

At a recent orchestra festival, I met a whole plethora of people who have either opened up to me or made connections with my interests and have become people that are also vital to my life. At first I was a little wary. Having people tell me the deepest, hidden conflicts made me uneasy because I didn't know what to do or say and I didn't want to let that person down. I realized that good friends and acquaintances don't have to be people who similar to you but rather just people who can share a common connection or interest.

My closest friend this year is this one extremely nerdy yet sweet and honest girl that has so much in common with me. I literally poured everything I thought and felt into this girl and she still deals with me everyday. She knows more about me than anyone else. I love her to death and I'm so glad that I made the first connection with this dork. She understands me on a level that most people don't and I'm so greatful for her.

There is one person that probably is oblivious to his impact on my life. There's one memory that just sticks out and is as clear as glass from my elementary school years. The rest is fuzzy. I think it was either my 4th or 5th grade year that I won our school spelling bee and was about to go to go to the next round, district. I remember how nervous I was. This one kid approached me the day before. I remember the exact words that he said to me "Drink grapefruit juice. It's supposed to make you smarter. Good luck, you'll do great." and with that he walked away. Up till this point, there was really no one who really supported me or encouraged me or believed that I could achieve something. So the next day, I nervously participated in the district spelling bee and even if I didn't win, I qualified for state. It was the most gratifying moment. My mom drove me back to school and the minute I walked into my class the whole class got up and started clapping and I recieved a plethora of hand made cards congratulating me. Apparently they were watching me on TV.

But the most impactful moment was when I opened the card from that one little boy. It said "It was the grapefruit juice, I tell ya!" with a big toothy smiley face on the bottom. I don't know what it was about that moment but I have never forgotten that dinky little boy and the look on his face. I held on to the card all though middle school even though I lost all the rest but eventually I lost that one as well. But I can still see it as clear as the day in my head.

It's these little moments in life that you connect with another human being and you're moved undescribably. I never got to thank the boy though we still see each other everyday. But I'll do it now. Thank you. You have no idea how much that moment changed my life.

Crossroads

So I feel like I'm at this intersection of my life where I can continue to live and act as I already do or change myself. Do a 180 and become a better, more conscious individual. I was so extremely negative and cynical and jaded like I've already lived enough to know all there was to know. And that was so wrong. The world I lived in, the world I know is so limited. But I have no idea how I'm supposed to branch out and see the world when I'm still stuck here. In high school which will shortly be followed by obligations that tie me to college. How am I supposed to see new horizons and gain new perspective when I can't see and experience things for myself? And I think I found the answer actually. Reading. It has just been so enlightening to read everything good and bad, just absorbing things. Gleaning information and thoughts and ideas.

I realized that "No, I can't do everything that I want to. I can't be someone else." But what I can do is use education and enlightenment as a catalyst for opening my eyes.

You know what the hardest part of trying to get rid of anger and frustration is? It's being able to stop your immediate emotional reaction to something and work through it logically. There is this one infernal individual in one of my classes and he just drives me completely insane because of the things that he says. I could literally feel anger bubbling inside my veins. But I realized that if I tried to adopt his perspective, that in his mind (which was a scary place to be), he is also completely justified. This background, experiences, and life have all lead him to act and speak as he does. And from that moment on, all the anger was gone. My resolution to become a better person is working. I wonder why I didn't try before.

I realized from all the things I've been hearing from people that a lot of people I know are at the same place in life where I am. Where we don't know what we want in life and we have no idea where our lives are going. I used to think that I was so different and separate from everyone else but there's a commonality between all of our lives that we inevitably reached. I feel this sense of connection and kinship and fraternity ( in the loosest sense). I would like to say that I'm more optimistic about life and the future. Things are definitely looking up and I hope that none of us loses faith. We all have the capacity and the capability to change our lives for the better.

I'm at an intersection and there are millions of possibilities out there. I just have to choose.

Why is it so Hard to be a Good Person?

I've resolved myself this year to get rid of this black hole in my heart. This pit of anger and frustration and hatred has been eating me alive for the past three years and I've realized that everything that has happened, I could have changed. I realized that I have completely control over my life and up till this point, I feel like I've been a lost lamb doing only what I was guided to do. But this lead me to hate the world and people and to blame things on others when it really was my fault. If I had tried a bit harder, if I had been more prepared... this realization has opened a door of so many questions and uncertainties, I feel as if the solid ground under my feet and the solid ground of my perspective and understanding is gone. I've tried to be more patient and understanding, thinking internally of all the reasons why something might have happened and why a certain person may have acted a certain way but it's just so hard to keep myself from reverting back to blame and anger and anxiety. I want to change but it's just so hard to fight against the habits and the inclinations that I have. Can people truly change?

My perspective is so clouded and one-dimensional. I fail to understand people and I'm dissapointed to say that up till this point, I didn't even make an attempt to try and even empathize. I'm worried though. I feel like if I miss this opportunity to become a better person that I can never change and that I'll be this pessimistic, jaded fool for the rest of my life. I want to see the world and experience life is different ways.

I've been doing a lot of thinking as well. What is it that I live for? Why do people live day to day when there's this endless cycle of suffering? Is there such thing as an omnipotent, benevolent, and omniscient God? Why do I do the things that I do? Why can man think and feel? Nothing I thought I truly understood matters in the face of these questions. There are not real answers and its all up to the individual to decide what they believe. But what do I believe?

Change of Heart

I've been angry with the world. Frustrated, confused, and irritated. But I've realized that all this time, all the things I've been complaining about, all the things I've been blaming, all the pain and misery I feel, are all things that I've really inflicted upon myself. Okay, so I didn't make All State Orchestra this year. It's not the fault of the board or the judges, it's mine. If I had practiced more, put more effort, turned in my application in earlier, maybe the results would have been different. Okay, so I blame the people in my life for making my life miserable, but the truth is if I had just done the things I had to do, if I had taken the initiative in my life then I wouldn't feel that way. I need to stop blaming everyone and everything and start taking responsibility for my own life.

I'm currently reading Les Miserable again and the funny thing is, it feels as if I'm reading a whole new book. The way I perceive everything is different. The characters shine in a different light, the situations implicate new things, the history behind the Revolution is moving. I admire the heart and soul of Monsieur Myriel and the renewed Jean Valjean and I feel myself growing more understanding and forgiving. If Valjean can bury his hate for the world after the cruelty and misery that he had been through for 19 years in prison, that I too can wipe the hate in my heart. I feel the passion of the French people rising and fighting for a new day and a new life. The Parisian students probably in their early twenties rising up with the ideals of liberty and equality and putting their lives on the line for this higher cause, then my complaints about school are negligible.

I find myself at this strange crossroad in life where I question what man is. Is man inherently good or evil? What is conscience? If man works only for self preservation as by evolutionary theory, then why do such things as conscience exist? This idea of religion and belief in a higher power, does it make man strive for good or is that good already instilled in our being? Does religion corrupt the soul of man towards evil or is man already evil in nature? So many questions and yet no answers to be found. I guess it's all a matter of choosing what you believe and living by that choice and I have yet to decide what I believe.