I've been angry with the world. Frustrated, confused, and irritated. But I've realized that all this time, all the things I've been complaining about, all the things I've been blaming, all the pain and misery I feel, are all things that I've really inflicted upon myself. Okay, so I didn't make All State Orchestra this year. It's not the fault of the board or the judges, it's mine. If I had practiced more, put more effort, turned in my application in earlier, maybe the results would have been different. Okay, so I blame the people in my life for making my life miserable, but the truth is if I had just done the things I had to do, if I had taken the initiative in my life then I wouldn't feel that way. I need to stop blaming everyone and everything and start taking responsibility for my own life.
I'm currently reading Les Miserable again and the funny thing is, it feels as if I'm reading a whole new book. The way I perceive everything is different. The characters shine in a different light, the situations implicate new things, the history behind the Revolution is moving. I admire the heart and soul of Monsieur Myriel and the renewed Jean Valjean and I feel myself growing more understanding and forgiving. If Valjean can bury his hate for the world after the cruelty and misery that he had been through for 19 years in prison, that I too can wipe the hate in my heart. I feel the passion of the French people rising and fighting for a new day and a new life. The Parisian students probably in their early twenties rising up with the ideals of liberty and equality and putting their lives on the line for this higher cause, then my complaints about school are negligible.
I find myself at this strange crossroad in life where I question what man is. Is man inherently good or evil? What is conscience? If man works only for self preservation as by evolutionary theory, then why do such things as conscience exist? This idea of religion and belief in a higher power, does it make man strive for good or is that good already instilled in our being? Does religion corrupt the soul of man towards evil or is man already evil in nature? So many questions and yet no answers to be found. I guess it's all a matter of choosing what you believe and living by that choice and I have yet to decide what I believe.
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