Friday, January 18, 2013

Crazy Stupid Love

So I've had a lot of people ask me "you know, like who have you ever liked?" Well, if I could summarize the extent of that question in a matter of minutes I would. The first guy I can remember liking was I think it was around 4th or 5th grade (not grape fruit juice guy). I took up figure skating sometime in elementary school and I absolutely loved it. Wearing a dress and tights while doing spins and shit on the ice, what 10 year old girl wouldn't? But when I was skating, I got to know this guy whose name I cannot remember whatsoever who also figureskated. Every morning and afternoon that I went skating for practice or for lessons he was always there skating circles around me. That was the first time I realized boys. Then middle school came around and there was cello boy, long-eye lashes boy, had-a-girlfriend-for-a-really-long-time boy, and dork boy in the Raven's hat.

There is a long and painful story behind cello boy. So 7th grade year, I went into the orchestra room and within a matter of days I was designated concertmistress. Well by chance and the regular tradition of orchestra, the person right directly across from me was this brilliant cellist boy. Absolutely brilliant. Over the course of a few weeks, I started doing the whole "looking over my stand while pretending to read the music when in actuality I'm creeping on you" thing. I got caught too many times. It might have just been me but I'm pretty sure he liked me back. But after a while all my friends caught on and this is when it starts getting good. So we both were in the same science class and my friend "S" decided to pester this boy to see if he like me. Ultimately she ended up asking him out for me, or so I think. Then it was super awkward. He made me a hedgehog out of cheese wax. I freaked. Cello boy happened to be really quiet just in general but I thought that he wouldn't talk to me cause he hated me and then I complained to one of my guy friends. And then that guy friend decided to tell cello boy that I hated him. Then he just wouldn't look at me. Then I used my school email to tell him that we should just be friends. And that was the end.

But the thing is, I'm not sure if all of that really did happen. I think I just got so obsessed with him that part of me thinks that I lived an alternate reality so half of the things I "know" happened didn't. I recently got to see him at some orchestra festivals and apparently it never happened. He could be lying or I could need a therapist.

This is not including momentary insanity when I was obsessed with a certain fictional male leech that has been popularized recently by a series of books and movies that are referred to by a time of night. Or all the celebrity crushes or The Teacher crush.

Then in high school, I just couldn't focus on a specific guy. Beginning of freshman year, there was this one kid that I can't really describe except as that like roses. That's a pun by the way, if you don't get it. But anyways, I was completely and utterly infatuated. If I think about how stupidly I acted, I want to shoot myself in the foot. For his birthday I wrote him this super long lengthy card (handmade, mind you) and I handmade him this phone chain. I think he put it on his phone for like a week before he took it off. Said that it got in the way. Ouch. Long story short, he thought I was a freak and he liked my friend instead. Ouch. Recently I learned that he kept the card but he didn't remember that the phone chain was from me. Ouch.

Then there was super-nerd-guy-who-went-to-Princeton, super-nerd-guy-who-went-to-Cornell, jerk-guy-who-now-is-one-of-my-best-friends, guy-who-does-math-in-lasvegas, guy-who-drives-me-insane-and-plays-hockey, guy-who-is-too-smart-to-give-a-shit, and now bio-junkie-guy-who-makes-me-smile.

I've come to the realization. I've confused friendship and connection with an entirely different emotion all together. I mean now that I look back, I never really liked all of these children. I just felt like I admired certain qualities of these people and I mistook infatuation and admiration for some false sense of love. Trust me. I'm done for now. I don't want to be a cynic about anything in life but this can be the exception.

No comments:

Post a Comment