Asphyxiation

I can't breathe. Not literally but figuratively. Mentally. Emotionally. I've realized that up till now that I've lived my life for someone else. Every single moment of my life has been spent fulfilling the expectations of someone else. All this time, I've tried to make excuses to try and justify the things that I do. People always ask me "How have you not died doing all the things that you do?"

I have died and I continue to die. Everyday. Waking up in the same bed, same house. Running the same routine day by day. Listening to the same voice in the back of mind every waking moment, only to return to the same house, the same bed. There's a story of a man who was captured and taken in for questioning on secret intel. They placed brick after brick upon his chest, trying to get him to tell his secrets and eventually the bricks crushed his ribs and he died. That's how I feel. I can go through the motion of inhaling and exhaling but I can never feel the satisfaction of oxygen flowing through my veins. Everyday adds another brick to my chest. I can feel each rib breaking under the pressure. My life blood has disappeared entirely.

I started out loving so many things: violin, math, school, science, debate. But everyone of those things have grown a layer of dust. None of those things are mine anymore. There's this force in my life that constantly breathing down the back of my neck, controlling every aspect of my life. Everything I do, I always think about that voice in the back of my mind before anything else. "Why aren't you practicing violin, do you want to fail your audition?" "Have you studied for Science Bowl yet? You know that colleges look at those things." "You have an A- in spanish? What are you doing, sleeping in class?"

It's always there and I'm always afraid of what it'll say. I never took a second look at art classes or theater because I knew it was out of the question. I never considered for a minute going to a party or sleepover because I know what it'll tell me. I've wanted so much for one thing to be mine or for one moment of my life to be free of that coercive force. But I can't escape it. I know that in 2 years, I'll be out that door and off to college but even then I'm skeptical. Will my life every be mine? How do I know that I'm truly doing what I want to do with my life?