Dose of Reality

I was born mediocre. Raised mediocre. Am mediocre. But I'm afraid of my own mediocrity. I've disillusioned myself into thinking that I am far superior than all those who surround me and that despite my obvious failures, that it wasn't me... it was them. I've had these de facto expectations of what my future would look like and I never once thought to stop and think about the viability of such a future. I expected too much and did too little. And now I'm suffering the consequences. I despise myself for thinking that I was too good to try or that I was beyond effort.

I've realized that all the dreams that I had about going to an Ivy League university with a scholarship were all just fantasies. I didn't do anything to deserve that dream and so it's only natural that I will be left unfulfilled. I'd thought for so long that there was no question that I would have that option and well... I guess I have to reevaluate. No matter what everyone thinks, I am not who I appear to be. I've gotten so good at playacting that no one, not even myself, has bothered to look deeper and realize that I'm not brilliant and that I am not spectacular.

I delivered myself a cold, harsh dose of reality recently and I've reevaluated my goals in life. Hopefully, it doesn't wear off too soon because I don't know if I have the strength to deliver a second dose. It is much easier to deceive yourself than it is to confront the person in the mirror.

Ipseity

I am broken.
A defunct machine endowed with the power to dream
And without the ability to live.
Forever chained to its maker.

A hollow casket of being,
Feeling every superficial sensation,
But unable to revel in the base emotions of heart.
Eternally empty for want.

A forgotten doll,
Picked up and left off just as soon.
Cracked porcelain and tangled strands of slate,
Reaching out into the abandon.

A glacial inferno,
That burns with all the passion of a thousand lovers
And in a moment will pierce with
A thousand shards of bitterness.

My Final Will and Testament to Grapefruit

A friend of mine told me that the best way to move on is to say everything that's on your mind and in your heart. She told me a story of how she started dating her boyfriend of many moons after she read what he wrote in her yearbook, telling her how he felt about her. So to finally move on from the boy that's been on my mind and in my heart since elementary school (who by the way is now dating someone else), I've decided to write a final statement to that chapter in my life since I'm too much of a coward to write it in his yearbook.

Grapefruit,

To think that it's been twelve years since I first saw that toothy grin of your and those dimpled cheeks. To think that we've come this far and grown this much and have watched each other develop into the people we are now. From the moment you handed me that hand-made card after the district spelling bee, you made me look at you so differently and I think that I've had these unexplainable feelings ever since. In my head, I'd like to believe that I've loved you for all this time and to this day. I've even questioned why Belle would choose the Beast over Gaston in middle school. Even when you were invested in somebody else, even when you never glanced my way even once... I cared all too much. To me, you're a beautiful person and every part of your being screams this. I admire your mind, your heart and your soul. I envy the way that you can articulate words to mean so much in so little. I envy the way that you can contemplate something much greater that yourself and not get lost in all the generality to live in the moment. I love the way that you love the people you care about and the way that you become passionate about the causes that matter to you. And I admire your soul for being so clear and unencumbered. Your poetry... is absolutely beautiful. Every time I read it or hear it, it pulls at some thing inside of me. Your words are valuable and your thoughts are priceless. I look at your smile and can't help but smile as well. I hear your laugh and I echo it myself. I know that no matter what you do in life, that you will try your hardest and do your best because even though you don't like to show others how hard you try, you do put effort in what you do and you take pride in what you know. So yeah, I feel like I've loved you to this day. Not necessarily romantically all the time but as a way of appreciating who you are as a person. No matter where you go or what you seek, I will be cheering you on in spirit.

Love,
A Plathian Lover

Disguises.

My heart hurts. Like a tangible, physical feeling of pain in my chest. I have people I love around me but I feel alone. And lost. At the end of the day, I roll my car windows down, blast my music, and scream at the top of my lungs while cruising 50 down a 35 road... and still I feel weighed down. It feels like there are shards of glass and ice in my chest and it's hard to breathe. Every moment I feel like I'm at the brink of tears but instead I remain stoic. Even the people I thought knew me well enough to know cannot tell what I feel from one moment to the next. I am the master of disguises and the champion of falsified emotions.

Keep Your Shit Together

So I have major problems with dealing with the opposite sex. In my head, I could carry a totally laid-back and cool conversation with Ryan Gosling or Jensen Ackles. In real life... not so much. Two days ago, I was walking out of math class and it's a joke that my friend Kevin and I have to say "Move bitch, get out the way." so I jokingly said that to him in the hallway that was congested with malignant tumors (aka. the freshmen). Well then I turn around and there he is. Grapefruit boy giving me a look like, "What in the actual fuck?". I just stand there opening and closing my mouth like a fish out of water making noises like "But... I... ah... I mean... uhh..." and he just laughs. Then I just book it down the hall way, leaving my dignity behind. Every single time I meet this guy, he just catches me in the worst possible state. Like no make-up, in my yoga pants, unwashed hair, and arms full of textbook state.

And I have this awful problem of not being able to stay cool when I talk to a cute guy. And I mean this literally. My body temperature increases instantly and I start sweating and the worst part of it... my glasses start fogging up. Everything else I can hide... but it's pretty damn obvious if your glasses are fogging over. And then I have to take them off and wipe them off and it gets embarrassing really fast. Recently I ran into a guy I haven't seen since middle school and since then I've seen him everywhere. He goes to an entirely different high school so there is no reason for me to see him ever. But first I run into him at New West Fest, again at school cause he was turning in a guest pass for homecoming, and today again at the library. And of course I have a hard time keeping my cool. I mean he's cute and all and he's such a sweetie... but he kind of has a thing with Hipster-chick who is my friend to some extent so I have no chance. Not that I would go for him anyways.

Well Shit.

Sooo... I have never been asked to a school dance. So this year I decided to take things into my own hands. So you remember Grapejuice boy? Yeah I decided to do this elaborate thing to ask him to homecoming and well... shit. So you would think that the first thing you should do before asking someone to homecoming would be to see if they had a date. Well fuck me. I spent around two hours making this puzzle deciphering thing that would spell out "Will you go to homecoming with me?" with the intention of giving each piece of the puzzle to him during each period along with coffee and stuff. Well after I planned everything including asking people to do me favors and give him the thingys... I finally asked my friend if he had a date. Well, turns out he did. Some chick name Alathea or something who's in college. Who the hell names their kid Alathea and what a predatory cougar, right? So now I feel like an utter idiot and now I'm gettting a whole bunch of "rejection" sympathy from my friends which isn't making me feel any better. It's not like I asked him and got rejected! I just had plans that got changed is all.

I guess part of me is relieved but truthfully I'm a little heartbroken. To think that I even bothered... Yeah, life sucks and then you die so I'll get over it eventually. Well shit.

50 Shades of Puke Green

He drives me absolutely crazy. I feel like I'm going to spontaneously combust everytime that I see him and even worse... I can't form coherent phrases of speech when I'm around him. Clammy hands, dry throat, feeling a blush that probably doesn't show... all symptoms of a one-sided love affair. Of course, it might just be an insane infatuation but the fact that I've felt this way for about hmm.... 11 years give or take, might be an indication of otherwise. You guys already know this person. Grapefruit juice boy. Yup. The sad, sad reality of my friendzone.

It doesn't help that I'm friends with the epitome of the female species who can write the most amazingly clever epic raps in English and can sing like no-one business. A real life synthesis of Aphrodite and Athena: Aphrena. And as my luck would have it, Aphrena and Grapefruit are friends who go listen to slam poetry together and talk and have class together. But she has a boyfriend so I think it's a little unfair, don't you think? My actual total of interaction with Grapefruit: near and dear to zilch. Oh dear, do I look a little green to you? Fuck me.

And that's not even the worst part. You see, you would think that after a certain amount of time that I would just forget my pride and go for it... but if it looks like a coward, sounds like a coward, and smells like a coward... it's probably a coward. My friends have taken active duty on trying to convince me to ask this guy to homecoming... which I have seriously contemplated. Only problem is that I have absolutely no interaction with this guy anymore. No classes together, no external tech-based dialogue... absolutely nothing. Just the thought of even thinking about asking him (yup, meta-thinking), makes me a little nauseous and light-headed.

I'm pretty sure this guy is 100% oblivious to the fact that I hyperventilate when he's on the other side of the room. I pretty much have it really bad.

Beyond Just Admiration

You know when you enter kindergarten and you're given your very first (among many to come) homework assignment and the teacher asks to you "Write about your hero." Many of us were like, "Psh... easy Superman." or "My daddy, duh." But looking retrospectively on the past (my original answer was my grandmother, even though I barely knew the woman), I realize that kids aren't just being naive when they state that their parents are their heroes. Even though I may despise my mother, she is my hero and my role-model. I realized that loving someone doesn't necessarily mean you have to like them. I may think that my mother is bat-shit crazy sometimes and that she is a psychopath... sometimes she can be the most influential person in my life in that moment.

At first I thought my mom was the stereotypical Asian mother who seemed to channel the dictatorial spirit of Hitler when it came to raising her children. Sure, there are times when I still see her that way but now I see her in a completely different light. My mother is the most selfless person I know. She doesn't care for her own appearance and her own happiness so long as she knows that she is working towards the good of our family. While most Korean mothers have this weird obsession with buying several, exorbitantly priced name-brand purses my mom would rather buy two things 1) Good food and 2) Good books. She has never once bought anything special for herself when she knew that there might be something that my brother or I might need. She would rather keep wearing the same clothes she had since her college years if that meant that she could but books that my brother and I could study from.

She herself values a few things in her life. Education, enlightenment, family, and justice. My mother had really big aspirations when she was younger but was prevented by her gender and her financial status from pursuing those dreams. So instead she immigrated to the US in order to get the chance at some other form of education and regardless of the field of study, she was the top of her class. She never got the chance to continue her professional field after the birth of my brother but she still continues to educate herself. You can never catch my mother without a book on her person. Even if she steps out of the house for ten minutes, she carries a book with her. And these books aren't your stereotypical "mother in her 40's" fiction, these are books like "The Best Science Literature 2012" or "Justice". My mother might be physically aging but her mind is still as sharp and as keen as it ever was. She's still receptive to new ideas and to new ways of thinking when most people her age are stuck in the mindset that they have maintained since their 30s.

My mother also loves to teach and she loves to teach mathematics. To this day, she will still various math textbooks at various hours of the day just because she wants to be able to teach others. Now that she's realized that her passion lies with teaching, she's done everything she can to be able to teach in my school district as a substitute. When most foreign adults don't bother to correct their English after a certain period of time, my mother still studies her old TOEFL vocab books from college and works everyday to improve her pronunciation.

When math teachers are asked by their students "When will we ever use this in real life?" their response is generally "In order to use it to calculate angles in a building or to derive such and such for engineering.... Blah, blah, blah." Kids learn to quickly dismiss math because they think "well, I'm going to pursue art or literature so I have no need for math." When my mother is asked this same question, her face lights up and she speaks in such an animated fashion, I have a hard time keeping a smile off my own face. "Mathematics is the very basis for everything in life. Math is the only way you learn this way of logical thinking and processes that you can't learn in any other discipline. These methods of thinking can then be applied to every other subject. Lawyers have to have some sort of logic and common sense that can be learned through mathematics. Math is the very key to learning how to think."

I admire my mother so much for being someone who may not necessarily be maternal or warm but for being someone who is so driven by her passion. The way that she views life and the way that she values education is something that I think is genuinely cool about my mother.

Why Live in Fear of Confrontation?

So today my brother came home from playing with his friends crying and when I asked him what was up he told me this.

"So my friend and I decided to start a lemonade stand and we made 36 dollars. But then he gave me 4 dollars and told me that that was for my volunteering."

I already knew that my brother bought a lemonade from the store across the street with his allowance money and spent the entire morning in the sun selling lemonade in our neighborhood. My first reaction was out right anger. I kept grilling him about why he didn't stand up for himself and why he didn't say something to his friend when it was obvious that it was unfair what he did.  But instead, he just hung his head and acted like he was in the wrong. When I told him to go to his friend's house and talk to him about it, he flat our refused and was horrified at the thought of confronting his friend. So I dragged him out of the house and rang our neighbor's doorbell and even then he remained silent and refused to say a single word in his defense. So I spoke diplomatically on his behalf. Ultimately they reconciled and his friend admitted to his unfairness so all went well.

However, it made me aware that my brother was very susceptible to the influence of other people and could be easily pushed around. I take pride in myself for the fact that I believe that I am pretty good at standing up for myself and for what I believe in but some part of me still holds back when it comes to confrontation. I think all of us are like that to some degree. For years, I've been saying that I don't care that my old "friend" and I are at odds because I really have no reason to take notice of her. But I still continue to complain about her persistent haughty and self-aggrandizing nature. If I really didn't care then such things shouldn't bother me right? Right. So obviously I've just avoided confronting her about her loud bragging because I am afraid of confrontation.

Why is it that we all fear it? For my brother, he hates confrontation because he's afraid that he will lose his supposed friends by doing so. For me, I hold back because I dismiss it as beneath me to confront certain issues as an excuse for dealing with it. We're scared at what we might lose or what we might be seen as by being confrontational but in the end if confrontation is carried out in a diplomatic matter, there really is no reason to fear it. So I've resolved to be a little more upfront about my opinions and my feelings. Not so far as to become combative, but just enough to be assertive.

Clarity

Through our everyday lives, we see, feel, touch, hear, and taste so much. We sense the world around us. But through all the things that our minds are forced to process, through all the blurry haze of the internal fog, do we ever reach a point of clarity? We can reason through everything, let science be our guides in the physical world and philosophy and faith to be the escort through our internal beings. But past all the external forces that lead us to see some resoultion, don't we have to ultimately decide into which rabbit hole we jump into? If we have to decide what it is we truly believe then at some point we have to take that jump of faith regardless of all the chaos and uncertainty before us. This realization has made it so much easier for me to understand the people who are devoted to God or people who have such drastic views that I inherently think are wrong. I mean in their perspective, I can concede that they are completely justified and correct. But that got me thinking? When did I consciously decide to believe the things that I believe? I don't think that I ever consciously did.

Experiences of a Lifetime

My summer has been pretty uneventful. I've been indulging in my secret addiction: crappy teen fiction and Nutella. Doesn't get much better than that. But somehow in my vortex of inactivity and lethargy, I garnered enough sense to get into this camp called RYLA, the Rotary Youth Leadership Award. And now you're probably thinking, what the hell is RYLA? Well that's what I was thinking when I walked into the arms of 5 different, extremely exuberant, and overly friendly junior counselors. So after a week of heartfelt and physically brutal activity, I can tell you all that RYLA is one of the most memorable experiences I have ever had. It's right up there next to Disney World and the Magical World of Harry Potter. To be around the most open and seemingly nonjudgmental people, really allowed me to open up and purge. Not that I don't do that already. But this was grand scale emotional release somewhere along the lines of Old Faithful and Mt. Saint Helens. But the most lasting part that I took away from the camp, came from the wise words or one, Corey Ciocchetti. See when people give talks or lectures, they can either 1) Talk at you or 2) Talk to you, and most of the time you run into the former (i.e. parents, counselors, etc.) However for the very first time, I felt like I was made aware of all my problems and internal struggles without feeling targeted or put on the spot. And for the first time, I wasn't just being lectured about my problems. I was being told how to solve them instead. So here I am clacking away at this computer, ready to share the gems of insight that have fallen into my lap.

Professor Ciocchetti mentions this tale of a race dog that decides to quit running because he has realizes that all his life he has been chasing fake, white rabbits (or something along those lines). And the whole point of this story was to point out the metaphorical significance it holds in relation to all of our daily lives. All of us to some extent (unless you are a perfect specimen of the human species like Ryan Gosling) are chasing fake white rabbits, namely some false goal that we seek to reach that keeps us from achieving what would make us truly happy. For some that may be popularity or superficial looks, for some like me it may be having a good enough transcript to appeal to the committees in the Ivy League offices. We chase these things thinking that once they are in our grasp, we can be happy. But it is all for naught. We need to look past these things that are holding us back from our real selves and our real happiness because come on.

Those people around you who claim to be your friends as of now, turned their backs on that one kid because he got caught drinking or smoking. Those same friends are the ones who turned their backs on that one chick because she got pregnant. Those superficial friends that you make, are the very first ones to run when the going gets tough. The wise man once said that your true friends are the ones that will rush into your life in your time of need and I am so greatful that I have friends that I can confidently say will do just that for me.

Conscious Living

So I've tried to turn this whole new leaf about a year ago, where I wouldn't jump to the conclusion or the assumption that other people are in the way of my life. I decided not to get angry and not to blame people, because each person probably has their story of why they do the things they do. But this proved a hard and difficult task. Putting aside the natural reflex to hate and to despise, to put your need first, it hasn't been easy. Especially since I've forgotten it.

It wasn't until recently that my English teacher showed us a video in the light of almost graduating from our junior year of high school. And I was reminded. The wise sage of the seemingly sardonically humorous video states more or less that "we have a default setting that puts ourselves at the center of the universe." Those who can be educated and better in life are those who can push past the default and put the world into perspective. Those who can be understanding, patient, reflective... I want to be one of those people.

Inadequacy

I finally figure out what it was that I have always been feeling. I feel inadequate as if I need some validation that I'm worth something. Always. Nothing I do feels like its enough or good enough. I feel unwanted and misplaced. I feel lost and blind. I have started to resent myself. What's the point of living when you have no reason? I get the same message everywhere I turn: "You are nothing."

My family, my peers, my society... all of it. I don't belong or need to belong. I'm not unique or special, I know that. Sure, people will sympathetically try to console and say things like "Of course you're worth it!" but really... I know that it's not true. So stop trying to appeal to your humanity and face reality. Not all of us are needed.

On My Mind

Some of us were born and destined to be great while the rest of us flounder, scared of our normalcy. Not all of us were endowed with the great gifts of our world's heroes and not all of us were granted the roles of outstanding beings. It is only truly valiant and astonishing when one can turn their normalcy into something more through one's own struggles and strives towards becoming the best version of oneself. It's not about leaving behind a legacy that is greater than the stories of the rest but rather to live the tale as the character you wish to be. That is all that I could ever want from life.

Reevaluating

So I had the biggest fallout of my life with the single most important person in my life... my mother. I subconsciously already know that she's only trying to do what's best for me and well... sometimes I feel like I want to make my own decisions. But after the whole fiasco, I realized a lot of things.

1) I have the most amazing and supportive friends in the world. After I was "kicked out", I was shocked really to see how much people cared. I really thought that I would have no where to turn to, no place to stay, no shoulder to cry on... but I was proven wrong. And the funniest thing is, the people I've known for years were not actually there for me. All the closest friends that I've made recently or have become close to in the last year were the ones who had my back. And all the people I thought were my friends turned out to not be all that reliable as I thought they would be in my time of need.

When I was deliberating who to tell and who to ask for help there were only a handful of people I realized that I could actually turn to and it was really eye opening. It was like the ultimate test to find out who your real friends would be. The ones that wouldn't judge, the ones that would do their best to help you out, the ones that would help you make the right choice in the end.

It made me realize how important and worthwhile good friends are and I owe so much to them. From my friend who baked me cupcakes, to my friend who is pretty damn good at Modern Warfare, to my friend who taught me to make macaroni and cheese for the first time, to the friend who let me cry over the phone to him for god knows how long... I really do love you guys so very much.

2) Sometimes you'll get so caught up in your emotional response to things that you don't think things through. When I stormed out of the house with my stuff, I didn't even have a plan. No money, no gas, no place to stay... it's a really bad idea. Plus I didn't even stop to think about all the things I did wrong in that situation and I ended up doing and saying things I really regret and I ended up hurting someone I really care about. Even after, I was just so stubborn and scared to admit that I was in the wrong as much as my mother that my pride kept me from reconciling.

I was being a big baby and a terd. I will admit that. I'm just glad that I had people to bring me to my senses.

After everything, things were a lot clearer for me and for the relationships in my life. I realized that sometimes things need to explode to restart, and that's just what my mom and I needed. And thank god things are alright now.

Comeback

Sorry it's been a while, world. I've been doing a lot of thinking about the usual: life, love, etc. And I've realized that we all live in this world of established systems that we live by without really understanding the reason why they're there. Think about it.

School? A place that all people from the age of 5 to 18 go in order to receive instruction about some area of study in a given place at a given time. Doesn't that sound just odd to you? Why do we even need it? I mean sure... enlightenment. But the reality of it is that no one sees school as a vessel of knowledge. It has become an overused icon that has lost its true value and merit.

Why do we go to college only to find a job to work till we're 50 only to retire? Why is it necessary for us to live our lives like that? Why can't we just see the world the way we want to? Why can't we just experience the entirety of life instead of being bogged down by the trivialities of proper society?

I'm a little skeptical of it all. Maybe we've lost track of what life really is somewhere along this track of evolution and advancement?

Victory

I've realized that the only thing in life that is worth living for is yourself. No one and nothing can make you do something, it's all up to you. Up till now I've always questioned whether or not I did things out of necessity or college or my parents. But you know what? If I have done things for reasons other than myself, then I've been wasting my life away. I've always thought that I needed to beat someone else or do better than a given benchmark but the only person I need to overcome or to beat is myself. Then can I finally feel the satisfaction of a victory.

It's all about my own mentality. Of course it's not easy just to shrug it off and get on with life, but I have to at least try, right? If I can find the motivation and the strength to not give into my laziness and anger, then I have become the own master of my life. All of it is a mental game.

People think that I'm some competitive nerd who gives a damn about my GPA and class rank which at one point in my life did matter. But now, I've found that all of that means nothing. Education without enlightenment is submission into authority powers of a capitalistic society that wants to perpetuate the division between the elite and the norm. I don't take classes to bump my GPA, I take classes that will force me to stretch myself, to challenge myself so that I can become satisfied with the fact that I am working towards being a more knowledgeable individual. Education is the only way to break the bonds of ignorance and negligible existence.

I play violin because being able to play in the midst of a talented group of musicians in an orchestra is one of the most amazing and exhilarating feelings that you will have. Playing a dynamic piece at a concert, holding the audiences attention till the last chord declares itself... it's a feeling that you can't begin to describe with words. 

I do debate in order to expand my views upon the issues of the world and in order to become a more open-minded individual who learns the skills and gains the wisdom to come to some understanding regarding the world and humanity. Science and math are all part of this greater endeavor towards becoming a better human being with a mind.

I finally realize what I've been doing wrong all along.

Reconcile

So let me just clarify. Though it ended badly with a lot of the people I "cared" about... that doesn't mean it stayed in awful situations.

Like for example, this guy in middle school was the biggest terd of all time. And it turned out he had a crush on me in high school later when he was still a terd but then after confrontation, I realized that he just didn't know how to act. Then we got to be really good friends and I tell him everything.

Or birthday-card boy. Sure it didn't work out the way I wanted it too but I still love the kid. He understands me in a way that most people won't and he's supportive and kind. I'm not bitter and I'm actually glad that we ended up as friends in a way.

But there is one relationship I didn't fix. So there's this girlie that I used to do everything with. Literally. Debate, science, math, school, every damn thing. But then jealousy and miscommunication and suspicion got in the way. I haven't said two words to her this entire school year. I just can't get myself to reconciliate and forgive and forget. But part of me is glad I severed the ties because I don't think I was really all that happy being her friend. Someone who hides what they're doing from you just so that they can get ahead, someone who turns her back on you and shuns you out, someone who will use you only to leave you... that's not what a friend is. I'm glad we aren't speaking.

Obtuse

Shoot. I just messed up with a friend of mine who really does mean a lot to me. So recently we've been talking a lot off and on. But I kind of realized that all we talk about is school sometimes. On top of that my other friend told me that this friend didn't even see me as friends and what not and that hurt like hell because I thought we were sort of. Apparently not.

So I spent the whole day raging and then finally I confronted him about it. Turns out I was so wrong. He was just trying to put distance between him and everyone else until he got things figured out and he thought that we understood each other to a level where we couldn't quite put a label on it. That got me thinking and the truth is we talk about so much and he has trusted me with so much of what he hides within himself. I was stupid and blind and hurt that I couldn't see that he wasn't being a jerk but he was being caring.

So I messed up. Now he's probably going to start pulling away and I don't know what to do. I'm an idiot and obviously, I can't read people right. I need to stop ruining relationships with people I care about. This isn't the first and isn't the last. It first started with the guy I met at ARML who I totally screwed up with to my friend who I used to do everything with and now don't even talk to anymore. Why do I let these people slip through my fingers?

Waiting

You know what? I'm tired. Exhausted. Not from school. Not from being busy. But from waiting. I just keep waiting for something to happen.

I stare blankly sending my telepathic messages to him, seeing if he's going to talk to me. But he never does. I'm always waiting for him. Every single damn time and I'm sick of it.

Why am I wasting my time waiting for someone who will never look back at me? Why am I wasting my time hoping that maybe that he'll realize that I actually am right here?

I'm done choosing the guys that have never cared and will never care. I'm just done. He will never see me as anything more than just a sister or friend. He will never see me as anything more than just a cool kid he met in math circle. He will never see me as anything more than that one underclassman.

So that's that. No more waiting. No more being sad that he never will see me differently. No more.

Asphyxiation

I can't breathe. Not literally but figuratively. Mentally. Emotionally. I've realized that up till now that I've lived my life for someone else. Every single moment of my life has been spent fulfilling the expectations of someone else. All this time, I've tried to make excuses to try and justify the things that I do. People always ask me "How have you not died doing all the things that you do?"

I have died and I continue to die. Everyday. Waking up in the same bed, same house. Running the same routine day by day. Listening to the same voice in the back of mind every waking moment, only to return to the same house, the same bed. There's a story of a man who was captured and taken in for questioning on secret intel. They placed brick after brick upon his chest, trying to get him to tell his secrets and eventually the bricks crushed his ribs and he died. That's how I feel. I can go through the motion of inhaling and exhaling but I can never feel the satisfaction of oxygen flowing through my veins. Everyday adds another brick to my chest. I can feel each rib breaking under the pressure. My life blood has disappeared entirely.

I started out loving so many things: violin, math, school, science, debate. But everyone of those things have grown a layer of dust. None of those things are mine anymore. There's this force in my life that constantly breathing down the back of my neck, controlling every aspect of my life. Everything I do, I always think about that voice in the back of my mind before anything else. "Why aren't you practicing violin, do you want to fail your audition?" "Have you studied for Science Bowl yet? You know that colleges look at those things." "You have an A- in spanish? What are you doing, sleeping in class?"

It's always there and I'm always afraid of what it'll say. I never took a second look at art classes or theater because I knew it was out of the question. I never considered for a minute going to a party or sleepover because I know what it'll tell me. I've wanted so much for one thing to be mine or for one moment of my life to be free of that coercive force. But I can't escape it. I know that in 2 years, I'll be out that door and off to college but even then I'm skeptical. Will my life every be mine? How do I know that I'm truly doing what I want to do with my life?

Crazy Stupid Love

So I've had a lot of people ask me "you know, like who have you ever liked?" Well, if I could summarize the extent of that question in a matter of minutes I would. The first guy I can remember liking was I think it was around 4th or 5th grade (not grape fruit juice guy). I took up figure skating sometime in elementary school and I absolutely loved it. Wearing a dress and tights while doing spins and shit on the ice, what 10 year old girl wouldn't? But when I was skating, I got to know this guy whose name I cannot remember whatsoever who also figureskated. Every morning and afternoon that I went skating for practice or for lessons he was always there skating circles around me. That was the first time I realized boys. Then middle school came around and there was cello boy, long-eye lashes boy, had-a-girlfriend-for-a-really-long-time boy, and dork boy in the Raven's hat.

There is a long and painful story behind cello boy. So 7th grade year, I went into the orchestra room and within a matter of days I was designated concertmistress. Well by chance and the regular tradition of orchestra, the person right directly across from me was this brilliant cellist boy. Absolutely brilliant. Over the course of a few weeks, I started doing the whole "looking over my stand while pretending to read the music when in actuality I'm creeping on you" thing. I got caught too many times. It might have just been me but I'm pretty sure he liked me back. But after a while all my friends caught on and this is when it starts getting good. So we both were in the same science class and my friend "S" decided to pester this boy to see if he like me. Ultimately she ended up asking him out for me, or so I think. Then it was super awkward. He made me a hedgehog out of cheese wax. I freaked. Cello boy happened to be really quiet just in general but I thought that he wouldn't talk to me cause he hated me and then I complained to one of my guy friends. And then that guy friend decided to tell cello boy that I hated him. Then he just wouldn't look at me. Then I used my school email to tell him that we should just be friends. And that was the end.

But the thing is, I'm not sure if all of that really did happen. I think I just got so obsessed with him that part of me thinks that I lived an alternate reality so half of the things I "know" happened didn't. I recently got to see him at some orchestra festivals and apparently it never happened. He could be lying or I could need a therapist.

This is not including momentary insanity when I was obsessed with a certain fictional male leech that has been popularized recently by a series of books and movies that are referred to by a time of night. Or all the celebrity crushes or The Teacher crush.

Then in high school, I just couldn't focus on a specific guy. Beginning of freshman year, there was this one kid that I can't really describe except as that like roses. That's a pun by the way, if you don't get it. But anyways, I was completely and utterly infatuated. If I think about how stupidly I acted, I want to shoot myself in the foot. For his birthday I wrote him this super long lengthy card (handmade, mind you) and I handmade him this phone chain. I think he put it on his phone for like a week before he took it off. Said that it got in the way. Ouch. Long story short, he thought I was a freak and he liked my friend instead. Ouch. Recently I learned that he kept the card but he didn't remember that the phone chain was from me. Ouch.

Then there was super-nerd-guy-who-went-to-Princeton, super-nerd-guy-who-went-to-Cornell, jerk-guy-who-now-is-one-of-my-best-friends, guy-who-does-math-in-lasvegas, guy-who-drives-me-insane-and-plays-hockey, guy-who-is-too-smart-to-give-a-shit, and now bio-junkie-guy-who-makes-me-smile.

I've come to the realization. I've confused friendship and connection with an entirely different emotion all together. I mean now that I look back, I never really liked all of these children. I just felt like I admired certain qualities of these people and I mistook infatuation and admiration for some false sense of love. Trust me. I'm done for now. I don't want to be a cynic about anything in life but this can be the exception.

Bad Judgement Calls

So recently and not so recently, I've made some really bad choices. Just choices that are plain dumb. Stupid. Idiotic. Yesterday, I was on my way back home from school and I was a little bit in a rush. Don't ask why. It's a female process thing. So like anyone who's in a hurry I broke the speed limit.

Usually I'm okay going like 20 over but the damn cops had to set up a speed camera car on the side of the road and I got clocked going 15 over on a 35 mile road. But that's not the worst of my driving "incidents". One time I got stuck at a red light which I knew lasted for a bit, so I stopped and I decided to close my eyes for a bit cause I was sleepy. Well the next thing you know I feel my car bump into the car in front of me. It wasn't a full on rear-end, it was more of a love pat. No harm done but the worst thing is, is that the driver got out of the car and it turned out to be my next door neighbor who is also the father of one of my school friends. He didn't press charges or anything. I got off easy.

Oh and today. One of my good friends had a whole butt load of matches left over from a project that she was doing and was giving them away. Well, there were a couple on the desk and I pulled one out and started to fiddle with it. The next thing you know, its on fire and I'm staring at it like I don't know what happened. I just happened like I wasn't even thinking about it. It was as if I didn't know that if I flicked my wrist that the match would light on fire. Logic out the window. I blew it out quickly but not quick enough. It was right in the middle of a lecture and the teacher flipped her shit. She confiscated the matches and I appologized profusely to both my friend and the teacher. At the end of class, the teacher asks to see both of us at her desk and the whole time I'm thinking "Oh shit. I'm screwed. She's going to tell the deans. I am going to be suspended for misdemeanor. Oh shit. My mom's going to kill me." Well, I got off easy again.

I just make really crappy decisions all the time. One of these days I'm going to get my ass handed to me. Hard. 

Recidivism

As Wikipedia defines it, recidivism is the act of a person repeating an undesirable behavior after they have either experienced negative consequences of that behavior, or have been treated or trained to extinguish that behavior. Unfortunately that's me right now. All of my effort to change and to act more motivated and to be a better person, well I'm back in square 1. It's like I've been doing the mile trying to get to the next vantage point and I've just realized that I'm running on a treadmill. I've made a little progress doing some assignments ahead of time and trying to be less critical of people but it's just so hard. They say that the greatest test of your strength is to defeat yourself. But everytime I've tried, I've failed. When my alarm goes off, I succumb to the darkest attractions of lethargy and laziness. Whenever I have the chance to start a project early, the demons of procrastination come out to play. Whenever I try to act nice to someone, the evil bitch takes over.

There are so many people and things that test my patience and my inner strength. Right now, my mother has a friend from Korea living with us for 2 months with her kid and her kid's friend so that they can learn English while going to school in the States. The worst part is that they're both in 5th grade, the same grade that my devil brother is in.

Don't get me wrong, I love my brother though I try not to show it. But when he's with his friends, well that's a whole different story. The friend of the kid that came just drives me absolutely nuts. I have no idea what it is, he just does. He's a complete stranger and he's living in my house, eating at my dinner table, peeing in my bathroom. And I absolutely despise him. I know that I've resolved to not hate or despise anything but I just can't help it. When he chews, he makes the most disgusting noises. When he talks, his tone of voice is so irritating and the things he says are aggravating. When he sits on my couch doing nothing, it makes me batty. I've tried to reason through it but there's no rational explanation to my hate.

The more I thought about it, the more I drew parallels to a situation before. When I was in the 6th grade I believe, my cousin came to live with us permanently. His mom and dad, my aunt and uncle, passed away in a horrific and tragic car accident and he was the only survivor. He had lived with his grandmother for a while before coming to our door. At first I tried to be absolutely nice to the kid out of pity. But eventually I just couldn't take it. I had the exact same feelings of irrational hate that I have for the kid I wrote about before. I couldn't shake it.

Now here comes the bad part. At that age, I was a hateful child. Mean and a bully. So I acted on my irrational hate. I would hide his homework folder so that he would scramble to find it in the mornings and get harshly scolded by my mother. He would snore, so while he was sleeping I would pinch his nose until he started to breathe out of his mouth. I would only share things with my brother and show favoritism. I made life hell for the kid but the worst thing that I did was make my mother despise him as well. So after several months, he left to be with his grandmother again.

I still to this day feel so guilty about what I did. The poor kid did nothing wrong and I made his life so much worse than it already was. The poor kid never really knew a mother's love which he could have had. A couple years later, I was looking for an extra folder for school and I found an odd, old one. I opened it up and it had pages and pages of legal documents for adoption. My mother was originally going to adopt my cousin. That hit hard. I feel so ashamed of myself and I haven't told my mother about what I did but I have a feeling she already knows. I'm so sorry to him. I will never forget what I did to him, ever.

This is what people mean when they say that hate causes misery. I'm trying to change, I really am.

The Invaluable People

I've tried so hard to branch out this year and to get to know people out of my comfort zone. Outside of my little sheltered box of IB and familiarity. I've made so many acquaintances and friends that I really feel as if I've learned more about people and I appreciate all the eye opening experiences this has lead me to.

This year, I'm taking a combined IB and AP class. There were those usual faces that I saw everyday in all my other classes but I actually got to meet two of the most amazing people that have now become invaluable to my life. The most suprising thing is that we could not be more different yet similar. Both of them are extremely religious and conservative, two aspects of individuals that I always tried to avoid. But upon getting to know them, I've realized that they had taught me so much. It doesn't matter that we won't agree on anything politically or religiously. That is completely extraneous to the nature of friendship. They are good people and just because their views are different from mine does not change a single thing. They have been so supportive and open, I'm so glad I have them in my life.

At a recent orchestra festival, I met a whole plethora of people who have either opened up to me or made connections with my interests and have become people that are also vital to my life. At first I was a little wary. Having people tell me the deepest, hidden conflicts made me uneasy because I didn't know what to do or say and I didn't want to let that person down. I realized that good friends and acquaintances don't have to be people who similar to you but rather just people who can share a common connection or interest.

My closest friend this year is this one extremely nerdy yet sweet and honest girl that has so much in common with me. I literally poured everything I thought and felt into this girl and she still deals with me everyday. She knows more about me than anyone else. I love her to death and I'm so glad that I made the first connection with this dork. She understands me on a level that most people don't and I'm so greatful for her.

There is one person that probably is oblivious to his impact on my life. There's one memory that just sticks out and is as clear as glass from my elementary school years. The rest is fuzzy. I think it was either my 4th or 5th grade year that I won our school spelling bee and was about to go to go to the next round, district. I remember how nervous I was. This one kid approached me the day before. I remember the exact words that he said to me "Drink grapefruit juice. It's supposed to make you smarter. Good luck, you'll do great." and with that he walked away. Up till this point, there was really no one who really supported me or encouraged me or believed that I could achieve something. So the next day, I nervously participated in the district spelling bee and even if I didn't win, I qualified for state. It was the most gratifying moment. My mom drove me back to school and the minute I walked into my class the whole class got up and started clapping and I recieved a plethora of hand made cards congratulating me. Apparently they were watching me on TV.

But the most impactful moment was when I opened the card from that one little boy. It said "It was the grapefruit juice, I tell ya!" with a big toothy smiley face on the bottom. I don't know what it was about that moment but I have never forgotten that dinky little boy and the look on his face. I held on to the card all though middle school even though I lost all the rest but eventually I lost that one as well. But I can still see it as clear as the day in my head.

It's these little moments in life that you connect with another human being and you're moved undescribably. I never got to thank the boy though we still see each other everyday. But I'll do it now. Thank you. You have no idea how much that moment changed my life.

Crossroads

So I feel like I'm at this intersection of my life where I can continue to live and act as I already do or change myself. Do a 180 and become a better, more conscious individual. I was so extremely negative and cynical and jaded like I've already lived enough to know all there was to know. And that was so wrong. The world I lived in, the world I know is so limited. But I have no idea how I'm supposed to branch out and see the world when I'm still stuck here. In high school which will shortly be followed by obligations that tie me to college. How am I supposed to see new horizons and gain new perspective when I can't see and experience things for myself? And I think I found the answer actually. Reading. It has just been so enlightening to read everything good and bad, just absorbing things. Gleaning information and thoughts and ideas.

I realized that "No, I can't do everything that I want to. I can't be someone else." But what I can do is use education and enlightenment as a catalyst for opening my eyes.

You know what the hardest part of trying to get rid of anger and frustration is? It's being able to stop your immediate emotional reaction to something and work through it logically. There is this one infernal individual in one of my classes and he just drives me completely insane because of the things that he says. I could literally feel anger bubbling inside my veins. But I realized that if I tried to adopt his perspective, that in his mind (which was a scary place to be), he is also completely justified. This background, experiences, and life have all lead him to act and speak as he does. And from that moment on, all the anger was gone. My resolution to become a better person is working. I wonder why I didn't try before.

I realized from all the things I've been hearing from people that a lot of people I know are at the same place in life where I am. Where we don't know what we want in life and we have no idea where our lives are going. I used to think that I was so different and separate from everyone else but there's a commonality between all of our lives that we inevitably reached. I feel this sense of connection and kinship and fraternity ( in the loosest sense). I would like to say that I'm more optimistic about life and the future. Things are definitely looking up and I hope that none of us loses faith. We all have the capacity and the capability to change our lives for the better.

I'm at an intersection and there are millions of possibilities out there. I just have to choose.

Why is it so Hard to be a Good Person?

I've resolved myself this year to get rid of this black hole in my heart. This pit of anger and frustration and hatred has been eating me alive for the past three years and I've realized that everything that has happened, I could have changed. I realized that I have completely control over my life and up till this point, I feel like I've been a lost lamb doing only what I was guided to do. But this lead me to hate the world and people and to blame things on others when it really was my fault. If I had tried a bit harder, if I had been more prepared... this realization has opened a door of so many questions and uncertainties, I feel as if the solid ground under my feet and the solid ground of my perspective and understanding is gone. I've tried to be more patient and understanding, thinking internally of all the reasons why something might have happened and why a certain person may have acted a certain way but it's just so hard to keep myself from reverting back to blame and anger and anxiety. I want to change but it's just so hard to fight against the habits and the inclinations that I have. Can people truly change?

My perspective is so clouded and one-dimensional. I fail to understand people and I'm dissapointed to say that up till this point, I didn't even make an attempt to try and even empathize. I'm worried though. I feel like if I miss this opportunity to become a better person that I can never change and that I'll be this pessimistic, jaded fool for the rest of my life. I want to see the world and experience life is different ways.

I've been doing a lot of thinking as well. What is it that I live for? Why do people live day to day when there's this endless cycle of suffering? Is there such thing as an omnipotent, benevolent, and omniscient God? Why do I do the things that I do? Why can man think and feel? Nothing I thought I truly understood matters in the face of these questions. There are not real answers and its all up to the individual to decide what they believe. But what do I believe?

Change of Heart

I've been angry with the world. Frustrated, confused, and irritated. But I've realized that all this time, all the things I've been complaining about, all the things I've been blaming, all the pain and misery I feel, are all things that I've really inflicted upon myself. Okay, so I didn't make All State Orchestra this year. It's not the fault of the board or the judges, it's mine. If I had practiced more, put more effort, turned in my application in earlier, maybe the results would have been different. Okay, so I blame the people in my life for making my life miserable, but the truth is if I had just done the things I had to do, if I had taken the initiative in my life then I wouldn't feel that way. I need to stop blaming everyone and everything and start taking responsibility for my own life.

I'm currently reading Les Miserable again and the funny thing is, it feels as if I'm reading a whole new book. The way I perceive everything is different. The characters shine in a different light, the situations implicate new things, the history behind the Revolution is moving. I admire the heart and soul of Monsieur Myriel and the renewed Jean Valjean and I feel myself growing more understanding and forgiving. If Valjean can bury his hate for the world after the cruelty and misery that he had been through for 19 years in prison, that I too can wipe the hate in my heart. I feel the passion of the French people rising and fighting for a new day and a new life. The Parisian students probably in their early twenties rising up with the ideals of liberty and equality and putting their lives on the line for this higher cause, then my complaints about school are negligible.

I find myself at this strange crossroad in life where I question what man is. Is man inherently good or evil? What is conscience? If man works only for self preservation as by evolutionary theory, then why do such things as conscience exist? This idea of religion and belief in a higher power, does it make man strive for good or is that good already instilled in our being? Does religion corrupt the soul of man towards evil or is man already evil in nature? So many questions and yet no answers to be found. I guess it's all a matter of choosing what you believe and living by that choice and I have yet to decide what I believe.